1.你给我滚，马不停蹄的滚……
1. Get out of here and don’t stop rolling…
2.天下之大，大不过你缺的那块心眼。
2. The world is vast, but not as vast as the piece of wit you lack.
3.你长的外形不准比例没打好
3. Your appearance is disproportionate and poorly structured.
4.巴黎圣母院少个敲钟的，就你了。
4. Notre Dame in Paris is short of a bell-ringer, and it’s you.
5.你长的惊险有创意啊.
5. Your appearance is thrilling and creative.
6.你长的好象车祸现场。
6. You look like a car accident scene.
7.说吧，你是想死呢还是不想活了？
7. Tell me, do you want to die or just not want to live?
8.你活着浪费空气，死了浪费土地，半死不活浪费RMB…
8. You’re a waste of air when alive, a waste of land when dead, and a waste of RMB when half-dead and half-alive…
9.小子，今儿是怎么了？出门儿吃错药了？还是忘吃药了？
9. Kid, what’s wrong with you today? Did you take the wrong medicine when you went out, or did you forget to take it?
10.你长得真有创意，活得真有勇气。
10. You’re really creative in appearance and courageous in living.
11.你一出门，千山鸟飞绝，万径人踪灭。
11. When you go out, all the birds in the mountains fly away, and there are no traces of people in the paths.
12.你是不是三鹿喝多了？
12. Have you drunk too much Sanlu milk?
13.你的长相真是不敢恭维……衰的都拖网速……
13. Your appearance is hard to praise… So ugly that it slows down the internet speed…
14.上帝造就你是他的创意，你能活在这世上是你的勇气。
14. God’s creation of you is his idea, and your living in this world is your courage.
15.圣母峰雪人的弃婴，化粪池堵塞的凶手.
15. Abandoned baby of the Yeti from Mount Everest, the culprit of a blocked cesspool.
16.你长的丑不是你的错，可是出来吓人就是你的错！
16. It’s not your fault that you’re ugly, but scaring people is your mistake!
17.非洲人弄上黑猪的後裔，阴阳失调的黑猩猩.
17. A descendant of African people and black pigs, a black gorilla with an imbalance of Yin and Yang.
18.看看你的排名，就知道你班有多少人。
18. Look at your ranking, and you’ll know how many people are in your class.
19.你的牙如同天上的繁星，色泽鲜艳，相距甚远.
19. Your teeth are like the stars in the sky, colorful and far apart.
20.幼儿园水平的高中生，先天蒙古症的田鸡头.
20. A high school student with a kindergarten level, a toad with congenital Mongolian syndrome.
21.要不是打不过你，我早就和你翻脸了。
21. If I could beat you, I would have already turned against you.
22.你出生时是不是被扔上去过３次而只被接住过２次？
22. Were you dropped three times when you were born and only caught twice?
23.好久没有人把牛皮吹的这么清新脱俗了！
23. It’s been a while since I’ve seen someone brag so elegantly and unpretentiously!
24.你这个高级演化不完全的生命体，基因突变的外星人.
24. You are such a high-evolved, yet incomplete life form, a genetically mutated alien.
25.哥们儿，瞧你这IQ……是加利敦（家里蹲）大学物理（屋里）系的吧？
25. Buddy, looking at your IQ… Did you study physics (staying indoors) at Jia Liden (housebound) University?
26.你长的飞沙走石鬼斧神功.
26. Your appearance is so captivating that it defies description.
27.你的人生，总结起来就八个字儿——生的荒唐，死的窝囊……
27. Your life can be summed up in eight words - born absurdly, died pathetically…
28.思想有多远，你就滚多远；光速有多快，你就滚多快。
28. Roll as far as your thoughts can reach; roll as fast as the speed of light.
29.你以为我会眼睁睁地看着你去送死？我会闭上眼睛的。
29. Do you think I would watch you die? I would close my eyes.
30.你玉树临风，英俊潇洒，风流倜傥，人见人爱，花见花开，想必一定是人渣中的极品，禽兽中的禽兽。
30. You are graceful and handsome, a charming and romantic person, loved by everyone, adored by all. You must be the ultimate scum of humanity, the worst of beasts.
31.今天心情不好，我只有四句话想说，包括这句和前面的两句，我的话说完了。
31. I’m in a bad mood today, and I only have four sentences to say, including this one and the two before it. I’ve finished speaking.
32.公交车上，站着的孕妇对身旁坐着的陌生男子说：你不知道我怀孕了吗？只见男子很紧张的样子道：可孩子不是我的呀！
32. On the bus, a standing pregnant woman said to the stranger sitting next to her: “Don’t you know I’m pregnant?” The man replied nervously, “But the child isn’t mine!”
33.天生就是属黄瓜的，欠拍！后天属核桃的，欠捶！终生属破摩托的，欠踹！找个媳妇属螺丝钉的，欠拧
33. You were born to be a cucumber, deserving to be slapped! You became a walnut, deserving to be pounded! You’ll always be a broken motorcycle, deserving to be kicked! You found a wife who is like a screw, deserving to be twisted.
34.据我观察，你肯定从小缺钙，长大缺爱，姥姥不疼，舅舅不爱。左脸欠抽，右脸欠踹。驴见驴踢，猪见猪踩。
34. Based on my observation, you must have been calcium deficient as a child and love-starved as you grew up. Your grandmother doesn’t care for you, and your uncle doesn’t love you. Your left cheek is asking to be slapped, and your right cheek is asking to be kicked. Even donkeys and pigs would avoid you.
1、观摩了你的生活，我终于找到了活下去的勇气。
1. After observing your life, I’ve finally found the courage to keep living.
2、天上不会掉馅饼，因为我们不相信。
2. Good things don’t just fall from the sky because we don’t believe in them.
3、虽然体内的雄激素过多。但至少别人知道我是女的就够了。
3. Although I have an excess of male hormones, at least others know I’m a woman.
4、别用你老百姓的身份，跟我说黑色会的故事。
4. Don’t tell me stories of the underworld with your commoner identity.
5、我一直都喜欢你，我只是有时不喜欢人类。
5. I’ve always liked you, I just don’t like humans sometimes.
6、你没事儿老梦我干嘛，我忙你不知道么？
6. Why do you keep dreaming about me when I’m busy? Can’t you tell I’m busy?
7、成功是一个相关名词，他会给你带来许多不相关的亲戚。
7. Success is a relative term, it will bring you many unrelated relatives.
8、不要用那种小狗般无辜的眼神看我，会让我想吃狗肉
8. Don’t look at me with that innocent puppy-like gaze, it makes me want to eat dog meat.
9、众里寻他千百度，没病你就走两步。
9. Searching for him among the crowd, take a few steps if you’re not sick.
10、化学老师问，煤气泄露要怎么办？别慌，点根儿烟，冷静一下
10. Chemistry teacher asks, what should you do in case of gas leak? Don’t panic, light a cigarette and calm down.
11、时间过的真快，刚起床就天黑了
11. Time flies so fast, it gets dark as soon as I get up.
12、有爹有娘，没车没房，兴趣广泛，心地善良。
12. Having parents, but no car or house, with diverse interests and a kind heart.
13、每次临时抱佛脚的时候。佛总是给我一脚。
13. Every time I try to seek help at the last minute, Buddha always kicks me.
14、世界上最遥远的距离，是你在澳洲家里，而我在家里熬粥。
14. The longest distance in the world is when you are at home in Australia, while I’m at home making porridge.
15、别老说自己没事儿，没事儿不是事儿啊。
15. Don’t always say you’re fine, being fine is not a matter.
16、为什么我把手机调成了飞行模式，从四楼扔下去还是碎了？
16. Why did my phone still break when I switched it to airplane mode and threw it from the fourth floor?
17、我渴望自由，但人的身躯不知道怎么才能从狗洞里爬出！
17. I long for freedom, but I don’t know how to crawl out of the dog hole with a human body!
18、说好了不要让我流泪，可你怎么拿洋葱熏我。
18. You said you wouldn’t make me cry, so why are you using onions to make my eyes watery?
19、我说这位壮士，你在我伤口上撒完盐，就别再尝尝咸淡了吧。
19. I say, sir, after you’ve sprinkled salt on my wound, don’t taste the saltiness anymore, okay?
20、思想品德不及格，总比没思想好
20. Failing in moral character is better than having no thoughts at all.
21、暗恋就是没有配高射炮的雷达，默默地锁定了敌机。
21. Secret love is like a radar without an anti-aircraft gun, silently locking onto the enemy aircraft.
22、我左手拿叉右手拿刀，把生活慢慢享用。
22. I hold a fork in my left hand and a knife in my right, slowly savoring life.
23、心理测试说：我的心是玻璃做的。我扒开一看，结果是防弹玻璃。
23. A psychological test says: my heart is made of glass. I take a look, and it turns out to be bulletproof glass.
24、你还装啥嫩呢，脸上皱纹能把苍蝇夹死。
24. You’re still pretending to be young, but the wrinkles on your face can crush flies.
25、总是发呆，害怕有一天真的变成呆子。
25. Always daydreaming, afraid that one day I’ll really become a fool.
26、你来我信你不会走，你走我当你没来过。
26. If you come, I believe you won’t leave; if you leave, I’ll act as if you never came.
27、打是亲，骂是爱，亲爱不够用脚踹！
27. Hitting is a sign of affection, scolding is a sign of love; if affection and love are not enough, then kick!
28、有钱的时候说，钱是挣出来的。没钱的时候说，钱是省出来的。
28. When you have money, you say it’s earned. When you don’t have money, you say it’s saved.
29、把你家的地址说出来，我要把它改成公共厕所。
29. Tell me your home address, I’m going to turn it into a public toilet.
30、人生自古谁不死，下个就要轮到你。
30. Since ancient times, who hasn’t died? You’re next in line.
31、你你你你你，再逼我，我就喂你喝三鹿。
31. You, you, you, if you push me again, I’ll make you drink Sanlu milk.
32、吃什么鱿鱼丝、墨鱼丝的，给我上点美人鱼丝。
32. What’s the point of eating squid or cuttlefish? Bring me some mermaid instead.
33、有一种爱叫放手，手放开后，请你快走。
33. There’s a kind of love called letting go; once you let go, please leave quickly.
34、做自己想做的事，别的，就让猪乱说去吧。
34. Do what you want to do, and let the pigs gossip.
35、想想，还是幼儿园好混。
35. Thinking about it, kindergarten was easier to get by.
36、我能想到最浪漫的事，就是看你一人慢慢变老。
36. The most romantic thing I can think of is watching you grow old all by yourself.
37、明明是乡镇干部之子的气质还偏装都市富二代。
37. Clearly, you have the temperament of a rural cadre’s child but insist on pretending to be a metropolitan rich second generation.
38、春哥不是纯爷们，但是她的确是个真汉子
38. Chun Ge is not a pure man, but she is indeed a real tough guy.
39、你妈生你的时候一定是满怀焦虑，心不在焉的，如此潦草
39. Your mother must have been anxious and absent-minded when she gave birth to you, so careless.
40、您别看我长得像没头脑，其实我是不高兴。
40. Don’t look at me like I’m mindless; actually, I’m just unhappy.
41、你别总是带着一脸便秘似的郁闷！
41. Don’t always wear a face full of constipation-like depression!
42、别觉得你被世界抛弃了，世界根本就没空搭理你。
42. Don’t feel like the world has abandoned you; the world simply has no time for you.
43、不想叛师的徒弟，都是不成才的徒弟。
43. Disciples who don’t want to betray their masters are untalented.
44、梦想不实现都是因为不够现实。
44. Dreams are not realized because they are not realistic enough.
45、人品就这么点，省着点儿花，挥霍是可耻的。
45. Character is limited; spend it wisely, and squandering it is shameful.
46、男人的实力，就是你兜里的人民币。
46. A man’s strength is the Renminbi in your pocket.
47、别用你的肺说话，说出来的都是废话
47. Don’t speak with your lungs, or all you’ll say is nonsense.
48、如果我的人生是一部电影，你就是那弹出来的广告。
48. If my life were a movie, you’d be the ad that pops up.
49、女人的皱纹叫苍老，男人的皱纹叫沧桑。
49. A woman’s wrinkles are called aging, while a man’s wrinkles are called character.
50、你这么牛B为什么天安门没挂你的照片啊？
50. If you’re so great, why isn’t your photo hanging in Tiananmen Square?
51、比恋爱更能使人疯狂的是——失恋。
51. What drives people crazier than love is - a breakup.
52、俺不是普通人，所以不说普通话。
52. I’m not an ordinary person, so I don’t speak Mandarin.
53、谁对我的感情能像……对人民币那样的坚定啊？
53. Who can have feelings for me as firm as… for the Renminbi?
54、我最大的梦想：能够活着进天堂。
54. My biggest dream: to enter heaven alive.
55、此情可待成追忆，只是当时情况比较复杂。
55. This sentiment can be remembered, only the situation at the time was more complicated.
56、瞧你这长相，不用化妆就能去演恐怖片了。
56. With your appearance, you could act in a horror movie without makeup.
57、你的话，我连标点符号都不信。
57. I don’t believe even the punctuation in your words.
58、我的悲伤不给你看，我怕你忍不住笑场。
58. I won’t show you my sadness, for fear that you can’t help but laugh.
59、把你栽到花盆里让你也知道知道什么是植物人！
59. Plant you in a flowerpot so you know what it’s like to be a vegetable person!
60、一个受过教育的笨蛋是多么可怕的笨蛋啊！
60. How terrifying a well-educated fool can be!
61、有一种态度叫有情犯贱，有一种状态叫没事找抽。
61. There’s an attitude called affectionate humiliation, and a state called asking for trouble.
62、我把你的话放到油锅里可以榨出油来！
62. I can squeeze oil out of your words if I put them in a frying pan!
63、为什么节目中间要插播段广告？因为主持人和嘉宾要上厕所。
63. Why do we have commercials in the middle of a show? Because the host and guests need to use the restroom.
64、不懂的最高境界，是两个字：装懂！
64. The highest state of not understanding is summed up in two words: pretending to understand!
65、早回家的男人，讲故事给老婆听；晚回家的男人，编故事给老婆听。
65. Men who come home early tell stories to their wives; men who come home late make up stories for their wives.
66、没用的东西，再便宜也不买；不爱的人，再寂寞也不依赖。
66. I won’t buy useless things, no matter how cheap; and I won’t rely on someone I don’t love, no matter how lonely.
1、明月几时有，抬头自己瞅。
1. When will the bright moon appear? Just look up and see for yourself.
2、作为失败的典型，你实在是太成功了。
2. As a model of failure, you are incredibly successful.
3、帅有个屁用，到头来还不是被卒吃掉。
3. Being handsome is useless; in the end, you will still be defeated by a pawn.
4、从天堂到地狱，我路过人间！
4. From heaven to hell, I pass through the human world!
5、长个包子样就别怨狗跟着…
5. If you look like a dumpling, don’t blame the dog for following you.
6、争吵的时候，男人和女人的区别像是步枪和机关枪的区别。
6. The difference between men and women during an argument is like the difference between a rifle and a machine gun.
7、我最大的缺点，就是缺点钱……
7. My biggest flaw is that I lack money…
8、来啊，拖出去吃250个面包，不许喝水。
8. Come on, drag him out and make him eat 250 pieces of bread without water.
9、我的电话号码是10086,欢迎大家踊跃拨打。
9. My phone number is 10086, and everyone is welcome to call.
10、穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们打的找去吧。
10. Wear other people’s shoes and walk your own path, so they have to take a taxi to find you.
11、是金子，总会花光的；是镜子，总会反光的…
11. Gold will eventually be spent; mirrors will always reflect light…
12、别试图教猪唱歌，不但没有结果还惹猪不高兴！
12. Don’t try to teach a pig to sing; it will have no result and make the pig unhappy!
13、你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
13. You might as well let me kneel on the washboard; I can’t stand kneeling on the electric heater!
14、这年头还整天挂QQ的人，除了上班没事做，就是下班没人爱的人……
14. Nowadays, those who hang on QQ all day are either people with nothing to do at work or those who have no one to love after work…
15、你刷牙我不管你，但是你告诉我，我的洗面奶哪里去了！
15. I don’t care if you brush your teeth, but tell me, where is my facial cleanser?
16、告诉你别逼我，你要是在逼我，我就装死给你看！
16. I warn you not to push me. If you keep pushing me, I will pretend to be dead for you!
17、铁杵能磨成针，但木杵只能磨成牙签，材料不对，再努力也没用。
17. An iron rod can be ground into a needle, but a wooden rod can only be ground into a toothpick. If the material is not right, no amount of effort will help.
18、我像一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，而我却找不着出路……
18. I am like a fly on a glass window; the future is bright, but I can’t find a way out…
19、不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友！
19. I am not afraid of an enemy like a tiger, but I am afraid of a teammate like a pig!
20、服务员，给我一杯奶茶，多放点茶叶，少放点奶…
20. Waiter, give me a cup of milk tea with more tea leaves and less milk…
21、单身很痛苦，单身久了更痛苦，前几天我看见一头母猪，都觉得它眉清目秀的…
21. Being single is painful, being single for a long time is even more painful. A few days ago, I saw a pig and thought it looked pretty…
22、我朋友在他女友手机里的名字是“他”，后来他们分手了，就变成了“它”……
22. My friend’s name in his girlfriend’s phone was “He”. After they broke up, it became “It”…
23、不要说别人脑子有病，脑子有病的前提是必须有个脑子。
23. Don’t say others have a problem with their brain. The prerequisite for having a problem with the brain is to have a brain.
24、明星脱一点就能更出名，我脱
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