1.人不能低下高贵的头，但捡钱时例外。
1. One should not bow their noble head, except when picking up money.
2.小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我。
2. As a child, I thought I could save the world when I grew up; it wasn’t until I grew up that I realized the world couldn’t save me.
3.如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
3. If friends could be sold, and each was worth five dollars, I could make a small fortune.
4.世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
4. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.
5.电话费透支90万的判无期，撞死人的判3年，自动取款机恶意取款17万判无期，贪污几千万判10年。
5. A person who overdrawns their phone bill by 900,000 is sentenced to life imprisonment, while one who kills someone is sentenced to 3 years, and one who maliciously withdraws 170,000 from an ATM is sentenced to life imprisonment, whereas a corrupt official who embezzles tens of millions is sentenced to 10 years.
6.我们可以躲开大家，却躲不开一只苍蝇。生活中使我们不快乐的常是一些芝麻小事。
6. We can avoid everyone, but we can’t avoid a fly. It’s often the trivial matters in life that make us unhappy.
7.有一种人只做两件事：你成功了，他妒嫉你，你失败了，他笑话你。
7. There is a kind of person who does only two things: when you succeed, they envy you; when you fail, they ridicule you.
8.不怕神一样的哥们，就怕狗一样的朋友。
8. I’m not afraid of a god-like buddy, but I am afraid of a dog-like friend.
9.上帝给了我们七情六欲，我们却把它们变成了色情和暴力。
9. God gave us seven emotions and six desires, yet we turned them into pornography and violence.
10.英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
10. A hero doesn’t care about his origins, and a rascal doesn’t care about his age!
11.从猴子变成人需要成千上万年，从人变回猴子只用一瓶酒。
11. It takes thousands of years for a monkey to evolve into a human, but it only takes a bottle of alcohol for a human to devolve into a monkey.
12.你鱼肉百姓，百姓就人肉你。
12. If you exploit the people, they will devour you in return.
13.男人靠征服世界来征服女人！女人靠征服男人来征服世界！
13. Men conquer the world to conquer women! Women conquer men to conquer the world!
14.这个世界不公平就在于：上帝说：“我要光！”于是有了白天。美女说：“我要钻戒！”于是她有了钻戒。富豪说：“我要女人！”于是他有了女人。我说：“我要洗澡！”居然停水了。
14. The unfairness of this world lies in this: God says, “I want light!” and there is daylight. A beauty says, “I want a diamond ring!” and she gets it. A tycoon says, “I want a woman!” and he gets her. I say, “I want to take a bath!” and the water is cut off.
15.自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没人踩到我头上。
15. Ever since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on my head.
16.老板，来一碗泪流满面。
16. Boss, bring me a bowl of tears streaming down.
17.有钱的人怕别人知道他有钱，没钱的人怕别人知道他没钱。
17. Rich people fear others knowing they have money, while poor people fear others knowing they have no money.
18.看过水浒传吗？唐僧师徒四人被贾宝玉逼上梁山的故事。
18. Have you read Water Margin? It’s the story of how Tang Seng and his three disciples were forced onto Liangshan by Jia Baoyu.
19.有时解释是不必要的，敌人不信你的解释，朋友无须你的解释。
19. Sometimes explanations are unnecessary; enemies don’t believe your explanations, and friends don’t need them.
20.我们产生一点小分歧：她希望我把粪土变黄金，我希望她视黄金如粪土！
20. We have a minor disagreement: she wants me to turn dirt into gold, while I want her to treat gold like dirt!
21.要命的夏天来了，谁要是能给我们班教室装台空调，我们就把班主任嫁给他。
21. The deadly summer is coming. If anyone can install an air conditioner in our classroom, we will marry our headteacher to him.
22.千万别跟我求婚，一求婚我就会答应。
22. Don’t ever propose to me, because I’ll say yes.
23.人生三愿：一是吃得下饭，二是睡得着觉，三是笑得出来。
23. Three wishes in life: to eat well, to sleep soundly, and to laugh out loud.
24.我身在江湖，江湖却没有关于我的传说。
24. I am in the world of martial arts, yet there are no legends about me.
25.有棱有角的害处是，别人啃起你来十分方便。
25. The disadvantage of having edges and corners is that it’s easy for others to take a bite out of you.
26.走不进的世界就不要硬挤了，难为了别人，作贱了自己，何必呢？
26. Don’t force your way into a world that you can’t enter, making things difficult for others and demeaning yourself. Why bother?
27.爷不是你的小浣熊，玩不出你的其乐无穷。
27. I am not your little teddy bear, and I can’t bring you endless joy.
28.每个人都是囚犯，电话号码就是编号。
28. Everyone is a prisoner, and phone numbers are their numbers.
29.如果命运抓住了伱的喉咙，伱就挠命运嘚胳肢窝。
29. If fate grabs you by the throat, you should tickle its armpits.
30.我的未来不是梦，我的未来是做恶梦！
30. My future is not a dream, it’s a nightmare!
31.男女调情的时候，诞生了最具特色的汉字：凹凸。
31. When men and women flirt, the most distinctive Chinese character is born: “concave and convex” (凹凸).
32.早知道他不是好东西，就是忘了说了。
32. I knew he was no good, but I just forgot to say it.
33.让暴风雨来得更猛烈些吧，反正我是卖伞的！
33. Let the storm come even stronger, for I sell umbrellas!
34.师太，你就从了老衲吧！…很久很久以后…师太，你就饶了老衲吧！
34. Nun, please yield to me… After a long, long time… Nun, please spare me!
35.男人膝下有黄金，我把整个腿都切下来了，连块铜也没找着！
35. There is gold beneath a man’s knees, but even after cutting off my whole leg, I couldn’t find a piece of copper!
36.每次看到情侣，我就会唱那首歌，”分手快乐，祝你快乐”。
36. Every time I see a couple, I sing that song, “Happy Breakup, Wish You Happiness.”
37.老人不能打小孩，不能打女人，不能打男人往死里打。
37. The elderly should not hit children, women, or beat men to death.
38.如果领导下个月再不给我加薪，我就辞职，辞职前再给他送两条中华，抽死他。
38. If my leader doesn’t give me a raise next month, I will resign. Before resigning, I will give him two packs of Zhonghua cigarettes to smoke him to death.
39.我娘说浪子回头金不换，谁给我金子？我换。
39. My mother said that a prodigal son who returns is worth more than gold, but who will give me the gold? I’ll change.
40.爷爷都是从孙子走过来的……
40. Grandfathers were once grandsons…
41.你说你是我朋友，其实我知道，动物的确是人类的朋友。
41. You say you are my friend, but I know that animals are indeed friends to humans.
42.喜欢我的人都是好人。不喜欢我的人都是坏人。讨厌我的都不是人。
42. Those who like me are good people. Those who don’t like me are bad people. Those who hate me are not even human.
43.说谎是男人的特权，被骗是女人的专利…
43. Lying is a man’s privilege, and being deceived is a woman’s patent…
44.你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
44. You might as well let me kneel on a washboard; I can’t stand kneeling in front of the electric heater!
45.“捷克斯洛伐克”！我叫JACK，我老婆总这样抱怨我。
45. “Check-Slovakia”! My name is JACK, and that’s how my wife always complains about me.
46.高中时每人发个胸牌。一次来检查前，班主任跑到教室大声喊，大家快把胸罩戴起来，来检查的啦…全场鸦雀无声…
46. In high school, everyone was given a badge. Once, before an inspection, the headteacher ran into the classroom and shouted loudly, “Everyone, put on your bras, the inspectors are coming…” The whole room fell silent…
47.不在放荡中变坏，就在沉默中变态。
47. If not corrupted in indulgence, one would become perverted in silence.
48.广告就是告诉别人，他的钱还可以这么花。
48. Advertising is about telling others how they can spend their money.
49.我问她：”你以前交过男朋友吗？”她说：”高中的时候有交过。”我明知故问：”是河南的么？”她大惊：”当然是和男的啦!”
49. I asked her, “Have you ever had a boyfriend?” She replied, “I had one in high school.” Knowing the answer, I asked, “From Henan?” She was surprised, “Of course, with a guy!”
50.男：山外青山楼外楼，恋爱婚姻都自由。女：万水千山只等闲，还不赶快去赚钱。
50. Man: Mountains and green hills beyond the tower, love and marriage are both free. Woman: Through thousands of waters and mountains, just wait leisurely, hurry up and make some money.
51.好友谈恋爱两个月，网名改成”蓝色”。最近我才知道，蓝色直译为中文叫”不撸”。
51. A friend has been dating for two months, and changed her nickname to “Blue”. Recently, I found out that “Blue” literally translates to “No Masturbation” in Chinese.
52.你们现在谈恋爱已经晚了，大学就应该全身心读书。。。。。。这个问题。应该初中高中就解决了。
52. It’s too late for you guys to fall in love now; you should have focused entirely on studying in college… This issue should have been resolved during junior and senior high school.
53.未来要和我结婚的那位：也不知道你现在给谁谈恋爱呢。别给人家浪费感情了、找个时间咱俩认识一下呗。
53. To the person who will marry me in the future: I don’t know who you’re dating now. Don’t waste your feelings on them; find some time for us to get acquainted.
54.今天听到一个八岁的小姑娘唱，两只老虎，两只老虎，谈恋爱，谈恋爱。两只都是公的，两只都是公的，真变态，真变态。
54. Today, I heard an eight-year-old girl singing, “Two tigers, two tigers, in love, in love.” Both of them are male, both of them are male, how perverted, how perverted.
55.就算再挫也要谈恋爱，谈到世界充满爱！
55. Even if I’m not good enough, I still want to fall in love, to make the world full of love!
56.我谈过最长的恋爱，就是自恋，我爱自己，没有情敌。
56. The longest relationship I’ve ever had is with myself; I love myself, and have no rivals in love.
57.看到有篇微博说道你自己是否愿意和自己谈恋爱。我纠结了很久，最后还是选择了不愿意。瞬间我再也不怪那些抛弃我的人了。
57. I saw a Weibo post asking if you would be willing to date yourself. I hesitated for a long time, and in the end, I chose not to. In that moment, I no longer blamed those who abandoned me.
58.你出来一下，我有事想跟你谈谈。””谈什么?””恋爱。”
58. Come out for a moment, I want to talk to you about something. “What about?” “Dating.”
59.一个妇女从超市回来，忿忿地抱怨：”如果顾客永远是对的，为什么不是一切都免费。
59. A woman came back from the supermarket, complaining angrily, “If the customer is always right, why isn’t everything free?”
60.春有百花秋有月，夏有凉风冬有雪。若无烦事挂心头，便是人间好时节。
60. Spring has a hundred flowers, autumn has the moon, summer has a cool breeze, and winter has snow. If no worries burden your heart, it is a fine season in the human world.
61.没有人能预测未来，所以总有人后悔当初。
61. No one can predict the future, so there will always be regrets.
62.只有不可替代，你才不会被炒掉，但一直不可替代，就不会被提拔。
62. Only the irreplaceable will not be fired, but being always irreplaceable means you won’t be promoted.
63.春天来了，绿意盎然，他也来了，一身绿装！md，连帽子也是绿色的！
63. Spring has arrived, with greenery everywhere, and he has come too, dressed in green! Damn, even his hat is green!
64.人们喜欢春风，厌恶寒风，其实寒风是无辜的，是温度在使坏！
64. People like the spring breeze but dislike the cold wind. In fact, the cold wind is innocent; it’s the temperature that’s to blame.
65.电脑是愤怒者的麦克风，深夜它传播着我们的骂声！
65. The computer is the microphone for the angry, spreading our curses in the deep night.
66.那个叫珍妮的女孩我不喜欢，我喜欢那个叫玛尼的！
66. I don’t like the girl named Jenny; I like the one named Manny!
67.一美女说：第一次牵我手的人是给我看手相的那个先生。
67. A beautiful woman said: The first person who held my hand was the man who read my palm.
68.不是你不滚，是我不够狠。
68. It’s not that you don’t leave; it’s just that I’m not ruthless enough.
69.老师本想对同学们说把掌声送给自己，可不小心说成把巴掌送给自己。说完，一同学”啪””啪”就给了自己两耳光。
69. The teacher wanted to tell the students to give applause to themselves, but accidentally said to give slaps to themselves. After saying that, one student “pa” “pa” gave themselves two slaps in the face.
70.考题再复杂，终究没有我这心情复杂。
70. No matter how complicated the exam questions are, they are still not as complicated as my emotions.
71.谁说水火无情，当你快要被口水淹死的时候，你却火了。
71. Who says water and fire are merciless? When you are about to be drowned by saliva, you become popular.
72.眉毛上的汗水，眉毛下的泪水，你总得选一样。
72. Sweat on the eyebrows, tears under the eyebrows, you have to choose one.
73.思想就像内裤，要有，但不能逢人就证明你有。
73. Thoughts are like underwear; you have to have them, but you can’t prove it to everyone.
74.为什么你坐在那儿，看上去就像一个没写地址的信封？
74. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address?
75.君子报仇，十年不晚，小人报仇，从早到晚。
75. A gentleman’s revenge can wait ten years, but a petty person seeks revenge from morning to night.
76.天上终不会掉陷饼，它只会掉陷阱。
76. Heaven will never drop a pie; it only drops traps.
77.白色加白色就是黑色，因为双重否定就是肯定。
77. White plus white equals black, because a double negative is a positive.
78.我对你的感情就像雷锋对于穷人的怜悯。
78. My feelings for you are like Lei Feng’s compassion for the poor.
79.寂寞就是有人说话时，没人在听，有人在听时，你却没话说了！
79. Loneliness is when someone is talking, but no one is listening; when someone is listening, you have nothing to say!
80.比遇见一个泼妇更让人头痛的是……同时遇见两个泼妇。
80. Meeting one shrew is more headache-inducing than meeting two at the same time.
81.我想把我的一生浓缩成一句笑话。
81. I want to condense my whole life into a single joke.
82.如果跟导师讲不清楚，那么就把他搞胡涂吧！
82. If you can’t explain it to your mentor, just confuse him!
83.你不是黄蓉，你只是蝗虫，你为嘛要靖哥哥？你真不要脸。
83. You’re not Huang Rong; you’re just a locust. Why do you want Jingge brother? You’re shameless.
84.这么不要脸，这么没心没肺，你的体重应该会很轻吧？
84. So shameless and heartless, your weight should be very light, right?
85.路上见一车，车后贴着六个字：着急你飞过去。
85. I saw a car on the road with six words on the back: If you’re in a hurry, fly past it.
86.我说过做人要低调。可你非要给我掌声和尖叫。
86. I said that one should be low-key, but you insist on giving me applause and screams.
87.女人是招商银行，男人则是建设银行。
87. Women are like the Merchants Bank, while men are like the Construction Bank.
88.低调闷骚的高调，高调被打的征兆。
88. A low-key person who shows off is a sign of getting beaten up.
89.你要是鲜花，以后牛都不敢拉屎了。
89. If you were a flower, cows would be too scared to poop.
90.女人装比那叫资本，男人装比那叫变态。
90. Women showing off is called capital, while men showing off is called perversion.
91.不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖有惊喜，畅享多一瓶。
91. I’m not afraid of drinking DDT, but I’m afraid of the surprise inside when I open the cap, enjoy an extra bottle.
92.我一定要出现你家户口本上，做不了你老公，也做你小爹。
92. I must appear on your household registration book, if not as your husband, then as your father-in-law.
93.又帅又车，那是象棋，有钱有房，那是银行。
93. Handsome and with a car, that’s chess; money and a house, that’s a bank.
94.哥吸烟、是因为它伤肺，不伤心。
94. I smoke because it hurts my lungs, not my heart.
95.花有百样红，人与狗不同。
95. Flowers come in a hundred shades of red, but people are different from dogs.
96.男人被甩，金钱问题，女人被甩，面貌问题，我被甩，你他妈脑袋有问题。
96. Men get dumped for money issues, women for appearance issues, and me? You’ve got a problem in your head.
97.人生自古谁无死，哪个拉屎不用纸。
97. Since ancient times, who hasn’t died? Who doesn’t use toilet paper when taking a dump?
98.人生就像大便，一旦冲走了，就不会再回来。
98. Life is like poop; once it’s flushed away, it won’t come back.
99.人长得漂亮不如活得漂亮！
99. It’s better to live beautifully than to be beautiful.
100.前途是光明的，道路是没有的。
100. The future is bright, but there’s no path.
笑到肚子痛的经典短句
1.如果世界上真的有像小说里一样的男主角，那世界，就真的玄幻了！
1. If there really were male protagonists like in novels, the world would truly be a fantastical place!
2.如果我的考试成绩能像房价涨得那么快，那么这个世界该有多可爱。
2. If my exam scores could rise as quickly as housing prices, how lovely this world would be.
3.广告看的好好的，突然蹦出个电视剧来…郁闷…
3. I was watching commercials just fine when suddenly a TV drama popped up… So frustrating…
4.世上最美的事，就是吃饱了睡觉有空调。
4. The most beautiful thing in the world is to have a full meal, sleep with air conditioning, and be content.
5.胸大未必嫁潘安，胸小也能钓彦祖。
5. A big chest doesn’t guarantee marrying a handsome man like Pan An, but a small chest can still attract someone like Yan Zu.
6.整天看《还珠格格》，我都有点同情容嬷嬷了。
6. After watching “My Fair Princess” all day, I’ve started to feel sympathy for Rongma.
7.空山新雨后，自挂东南枝，欲穷千里目，自挂东南枝，天生我材必有用，各种自挂东南枝。
7. After a fresh rain in the empty mountains, I hang myself from the southeast branch; to see a thousand miles, I hang myself from the southeast branch; since I am born with talents, I will find my use, hanging from the southeast branch in various ways.
8.上课可以治疗同学们的失眠。
8. Attending class can cure fellow students’ insomnia.
9.被傻子喜欢也是总炫耀。
9. Being liked by a fool is also a reason to show off.
10.似花似水似你妈，倾国倾城倾你爸。
10. Like a flower, like water, like your mom; captivating, enchanting, like your dad.
11.我厌恶骨子里的优柔寡断。
11. I despise the indecision ingrained in my very being.
12.私奔的缩写是SB，AV在键盘后面跟的还是SB。
12. The abbreviation for eloping is SB, and AV on the keyboard is still followed by SB.
13.今天吃饭前照常看了一下菜，天啊！今天没有肉。
13. Today, before eating, I checked the dishes as usual, oh my! There’s no meat today.
14.都说姐漂亮，其实都是妆出来的。
14. They say I’m beautiful, but it’s all thanks to my makeup.
15.你抓着你的鸡爪指着我干嘛知不知道我喜欢泡椒味的不喜欢人渣味的。
15. Why are you pointing at me with your chicken feet? Don’t you know I like the flavor of pickled peppers, not the taste of scum?
16.上学最开心听到的一句话就是：今天班主任不在。
16. The most delightful thing to hear at school is: “The headteacher is not here today.”
17.每次你说我不够独立的时候、我都选择沉默。我很想告诉你、当我不再依赖你、就是你该滚的时候了。
17. Every time you say I’m not independent enough, I choose to remain silent. I really want to tell you that when I no longer rely on you, it’s time for you to leave.
18.男人最大的本事，就是把自己的女朋友放纵到别的男人都受不了。
18. A man’s greatest skill is to indulge his girlfriend so much that no other man can bear her.
19.别要不要分白天黑夜的在我面前犯贱。
19. Don’t be shameless in front of me, whether it’s day or night.
20.生活就像新闻联播，不是换台就能逃避的了的。
20. Life is like the news broadcast, you can’t escape it by just changing the channel.
21.我是个特别的人，我是个平凡的人，所以我是个特别平凡的人。
21. I am a special person, I am an ordinary person, so I am a particularly ordinary person.
22.妈妈说：就算吃醋也要装的跟喝了酱油似的，不能让别人瞧不起。
22. Mom said: Even if you are jealous, you should pretend to be like you just drank soy sauce, and not let others look down on you.
23.车道山前必有路，有路我也刹不住。
23. There must be a way when you reach the mountain road, but even if there is a way, I can’t stop.
24.在野外遇到蛇怎么办？不要惊慌，面带温润的笑容撑起一把伞，假装是许仙。
24. What to do if you encounter a snake in the wild? Don’t panic, put on a gentle smile, hold up an umbrella, and pretend to be Xu Xian.
25.昨天去市里参加放鸽子比赛，结果就我一个人去了。
25. Yesterday, I went to the city to participate in a pigeon flying contest, and it turned out that I was the only one who went.
26.吃，我所欲也，瘦，亦我所欲也，二者不可得兼，我了个去也。
26. Eating, I desire it; being thin, I desire it too. Since I can’t have both, oh my!
27.别以为我长的帅就认为我遥不可及高不可攀，其实我是海纳百川啊。
27. Don’t think that just because I’m handsome, I’m unapproachable and unreachable. Actually, I’m as inclusive as the ocean.
28.有的人活着，她已经死了。有的人活着，他早该死了！
28. Some people are alive, but they are already dead. Some people are alive, but they should have died long ago!
29.爱我，就给我穿上婚纱，然后再亲手扒光。
29. If you love me, put a wedding dress on me and then take it off with your own hands.
30.避孕的效果：不成功，便成“人”。
30. The effect of contraception: if not successful, it becomes a “person.”
31.谢你抢了我对象，让我知道他是人模狗样。
31. Thank you for taking my partner, which let me know he is a hypocrite.
32.我未来的女朋友，现在在和谁谈恋爱？
32. Who is my future girlfriend dating now?
33.世界上的脑残这么多，可是你却成了其中的佼佼者。
33. There are so many mentally challenged people in the world, but you have become the cream of the crop.
34.淑女就是未进化的比卡丘。绅士就是披着羊毛的狼。
34. A lady is an unevolved Pikachu. A gentleman is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
35.还没来得急沾花捻草，就已经被别人拔光了。
35. I haven’t even had the chance to flirt, and I’ve already been picked clean by others.
36.当初我看上你，因为我脑子进水了，现在我脑子抖干了。
36. I was attracted to you at first because I had water on the brain; now my brain is dried up.
37.你讲我坏话时能不能别添油加醋，以为炒菜啊。
37. When you gossip about me, can you stop exaggerating, thinking you’re stir-frying?
38.没钱的时候，在家里吃野菜，有钱的时候，在酒店吃野菜。
38. When I have no money, I eat wild vegetables at home; when I have money, I eat wild vegetables at the hotel.
39.俺从不写措字，但俺写通假字！
39. I never write wrong characters, but I write pseudo-characters!
40.勃起不是万能的，但不能勃起却是万万都不能的！
40. Erections are not omnipotent, but not being able to erect is absolutely impossible!
41.借朋友的车开，朋友说还的时候要给车加油。还车时，我冲车鼓了鼓掌。
41. I borrowed a friend’s car and was told to refuel it when returning it. When I returned the car, I clapped for the car.
42.给我一个女人，我可以创造一个民族，给我一瓶酒，我可以带领他们征服全世界！
42. Give me a woman, and I can create a nation; give me a bottle of wine, and I can lead them to conquer the world!
43.生下来的人没有怕死的，怕死的都没生下来，所以谁都别装横！
43. No one is born afraid of death; those who are afraid of death were never born, so don’t act tough!
44.如果考试用QB做奖励，那么国家马上就会富强的。
44. If exams used QB as a reward, the country would become rich and powerful immediately.
45.大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
45. Big brother, could you please lower the resolution of your face?
46.天塌下来你顶着，我垫着！
46. If the sky falls, you hold it up, and I’ll cushion it!
47.“特别能吃苦”这个字，我想了想，我只做到了前四个。
47. “Especially able to endure hardship” - I thought about it, and I only managed the first four characters.
48.初恋无限好，只是挂得早。
48. First love is infinitely good, but it ends early.
49.敬告各位家长：请不要骂自己的孩子是“小兔崽子”，因为从遗传学的角度讲，这对你们自己是非常不利的。
49. A warning to all parents: Please do not call your children “little rabbits,” as
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