1.如果我死了，我的第一句话是：老子终于不用怕鬼了。
1. If I die, my first sentence would be: I’m finally not afraid of ghosts anymore.
2.有事直接奔主题，不要拿你的无知，挑战我的黑名单。
2. Get straight to the point, don’t challenge my blacklist with your ignorance.
3.听君一席话，省我十本书！
3. Listening to your words saves me the effort of reading ten books!
4.生活就像宋祖德的嘴，你永远都不知道下一个倒霉的会是谁。
4. Life is like Song Zude’s mouth; you never know who will be the next victim.
5.学校的智能是：你想干嘛就不让你干嘛。
5. The intelligence of schools is: whatever you want to do, they won’t let you do it.
6.一个人快活，两个人生活，三个人就是你死我活。
6. One person is happy, two people live together, three people means a fight to the death.
7.淡定是因为你不怕死，我比你淡定是因为我不怕你死。
7. Calmness is because you’re not afraid of death; I’m more calm than you because I’m not afraid of your death.
8.最有魅力的人是康师傅，每天都有成千上万的人泡他。
8. The most charming person is Master Kang, with tens of thousands of people “soaking” him every day.
9.人生自古谁无死，早死晚死都得死。
9. Since ancient times, who has not faced death? It’s inevitable whether it comes early or late.
10.跌倒了站起来，换个好看的姿势再倒下去。
10. If you fall, stand up and find a more attractive posture to fall again.
11.老师说过：世上没有后悔药，只有老鼠药。
11. The teacher said: There is no regret medicine in the world, only rat poison.
12.骗子多了、傻子都明显不够用了。
12. With so many liars, fools are clearly not enough to go around.
13.别看姐不美，姐照样把你耍的找不着北。
13. Don’t look at my appearance, I can still play tricks on you and make you lose your way.
14.别人笑我太疯癫，我笑别人斗鸡眼。
14. Others laugh at me for being crazy, while I laugh at their squinted eyes.
15.现在的硕士学位，就像脚底的一粒米，不拿不舒服，拿了又不能吃。
15. Nowadays, a master’s degree is like a grain of rice on the sole of your foot: uncomfortable not to pick up, but useless to eat once picked up.
16.你你你你你，再逼我，我就喂你喝三鹿。
16. You you you you, if you push me again, I’ll make you drink Sanlu milk.
17.别用你的肺说话，说出来的都是废话。
17. Don’t speak with your lungs, all you say is nonsense.
18.女人的皱纹叫苍老，男人的皱纹叫沧桑。
18. A woman’s wrinkles are called aging, a man’s wrinkles are called vicissitudes.
19.此情可待成追忆，只是当时情况比较复杂。
19. This sentiment can be cherished as a memory, only the situation at the time was more complicated.
20.我最大的梦想：能够活着进天堂。
20. My biggest dream: to live and enter heaven.
21.只想优美转身，不料华丽撞墙。
21. I just wanted to turn around gracefully, but I ended up hitting the wall in a grand fashion.
22.做自己想做的事，别的，就让猪乱说去吧。
22. Do what you want to do, and let the pigs gossip as they please.
23.别跟我谈什么不离不弃，姐已经戒了。
23. Don’t talk to me about never leaving or forsaking, I’ve given it up.
24.再发嗲，也改变不了你奔三的年龄和样貌。
24. No matter how cute you act, it won’t change your age and appearance that are approaching thirty.
25.思想品德不及格，总比没思想好。
25. It’s better to fail in moral character than to have no thoughts at all.
26.人生的两大悲剧：一是万念俱灰，一是踌躇满志。
26. The two great tragedies of life: one is despair, the other is overconfidence.
27.黑夜给了我黑色的鼠标，我却用它游戏到天明。
27. The night gave me a black mouse, but I used it to play games until dawn.
28.将错就错，或者将计就计了，反正将就了。
28. Go along with the mistake, or outsmart the situation, either way, just make do.
29.你走你的过街天桥，我过我的地下通道。
29. You go your way over the pedestrian bridge, and I’ll take my underground passage.
30.如果不能美得惊人，那就丑得勾魂吧！
30. If you can’t be stunningly beautiful, then be so ugly that it captivates people’s souls!
31.你若使用美人儿计，我就将计就计。
31. If you use the beauty trick, I’ll play along with it.
32.你就是我心中的那首忐忑，总是让我惊心动魄。
32. You are the忐忑 in my heart, always making me thrilled and excited.
33.不在课堂上沉睡，就在酒桌上埋醉。
33. If not sleeping in class, then get drunk at the drinking table.
34.哥，在哪里跌倒，就在哪里趴着。
34. Bro, if you fall, just lie there.
35.赖床是对周末最起码的尊重。
35. Staying in bed is the最基本的 respect for the weekend.
36.开往地狱的火车，已启程，请勿扰。
36. The train to hell has already departed, please do not disturb.
37.怀才就像怀孕，时间久了才能让人看出来。
37. Talent is like pregnancy, it takes time for others to notice.
38.你是电，李四光，你是唯一的神话。
38. You are electricity, Li Siguang, you are the only myth.
39.法佬说：今天是端午节，我请你们吃粽子，人肉馅儿的，来人呐，上木乃伊。
39. The Frenchman said: Today is the Dragon Boat Festival, I invite you to eat zongzi, with human meat filling. Come on, bring the mummy.
40.服务员，给我一杯奶茶，多放点茶叶，少放点奶。
40. Waiter, give me a cup of milk tea, put more tea leaves, and less milk.
41.小燕子，穿比基尼，飞到东来哦飞到西。
41. Little Swallow, wearing a bikini, flying east and west.
42.有一种感觉比失恋还要痛苦，叫做自作多情。
42. There is a feeling more painful than heartbreak, called self-infatuation.
43.大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
43. Brother, can you lower the resolution of your face?
44.睡着睡着，就睡出了理想和口水。
44. Sleeping, sleeping, and then you sleep out ideals and drool.
45.姐不是电视机，不要老是盯着姐看。
45. I’m not a TV, don’t stare at me all the time.
46.谁家闺女借我用用，明年还你一大一小。
46. Whose daughter can I borrow for a while, and I’ll return one big and one small next year.
47.我不是骨头，不能让每条狗都追着跑。
47. I’m not a bone, I can’t let every dog chase after me.
48.不要对我放电，因为我这里有来电显示。
48. Don’t send me electric shocks, because I have a call display here.
49.问君能有几多愁，恰似一扎雪花啤酒。
49. How much sorrow can you have, just like a bunch of Snowflake beer.
50.有的人，做面膜的时候，比真人好看多了。
50. Some people look much better when wearing a facial mask than in real life.
51.药不医假病，酒不解真愁。
51. Medicine doesn’t cure fake illnesses, and alcohol doesn’t solve true sorrows.
52.人生就像一次旅行，指不定会在哪翻车。
52. Life is like a journey, you never know where you might have an accident.
53.宁可胖的精致，，也不要瘦的雷同。
53. I’d rather be well-fed and unique, than skinny and ordinary.
54.作为一个吃货，吃东西并不代表我饿了，只是因为嘴巴寂寞了。
54. As a foodie, eating doesn’t mean I’m hungry, it’s just because my mouth is lonely.
55.先别鄙视我，给你个号码牌，先排队，到你的时候再鄙视。
55. Don’t despise me first, here’s a number card, get in line, and I’ll let you despise me when it’s your turn.
56.晚上想想千条路，早上起来走原路。
56. At night, I think of a thousand paths, but when I wake up in the morning, I still follow the same old path.
57.姐从来不抄袭，但没说不复制。
57. I never copy, but I didn’t say I wouldn’t replicate.
58.失败是成功她后妈，看见孩子老失败也不帮她！
58. Failure is success’s stepmother, seeing the child always failing but not helping her!
59.别再逼我，再逼，我就在地上划个圈圈咒诅你被丑女强吻！
59. Don’t push me anymore, if you do, I’ll draw a circle on the ground and curse you to be kissed by an ugly woman!
60.我只为人民币服务，谢谢。
60. I only serve the Chinese yuan, thank you.
61.如果我死了，我的第一句话是：终于不用怕鬼了。
61. If I die, my first sentence would be: Finally, I don’t have to be afraid of ghosts anymore.
62.自从得了精神病，我的精神就好多了！
62. Ever since I got mental illness, my mental state has improved a lot!
63.当你穿上了爱情的婚纱，我也披上了和尚的袈裟……
63. When you put on the wedding dress of love, I also donned the monk’s robe…
64.锻炼肌肉，防止挨揍！
64. Exercise your muscles to prevent getting beaten!
65.如果回帖是一种美德，那我早就成为圣人了。
65. If replying to posts is a virtue, then I have long become a saint.
66.我不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
66. I’m not a fortune teller in the square; I can’t chatter so much about what you like to hear.
67.给我一张床，我可以睡到世界灭亡。
67. Give me a bed, and I can sleep until the end of the world.
68.逃得了和尚，逃不了方丈。
68. You can escape a monk, but you can’t escape the abbot.
69.说的好，说了一大堆，我没怎么听懂。
69. You spoke well, said a lot, but I didn’t quite understand.
70.你问我爱你有多深，我的回答是：淹死你！
70. You ask how deep my love for you is; my answer is: deep enough to drown you!
71.遍寻不着，犹叹当年小蛮腰。空余恨，一身五花膘。
71. Can’t find it everywhere, still sighing for the small waist of the past. Empty hatred, a body of blubber.
72.曾经你是我的天与地，如今四面八方都取代你。
72. Once you were my heaven and earth; now all directions have replaced you.
73.物价与欧洲接轨，房价与月球接轨，工资与非洲接轨。
73. Prices are in line with Europe, housing prices with the moon, and wages with Africa.
74.所谓门槛，过去了是门，过不去则是槛。
74. The so-called threshold: if you pass it, it’s a door; if you don’t, it’s a barrier.
75.我不骂人，因为我动手能力比较强。
75. I don’t curse people because my hands-on ability is relatively strong.
76.开卷和闭卷的不同就在于，一个在上面抄，一个在下面抄。
76. The difference between open-book and closed-book exams is that one copies from above, and the other copies from below.
77.不要总是对我忽冷忽热，那样的话我怕感冒。
77. Don’t always be hot and cold to me; I’m afraid I’ll catch a cold that way.
78.人生自古谁不死，下个就要轮到你。
78. Since ancient times, who hasn’t died? Next, it’s your turn.
79.吃什么鱿鱼丝、墨鱼丝的，给我上点美人鱼丝。
79. What’s the point of eating squid silk or cuttlefish silk? Bring me some mermaid silk.
80.我左手拿叉右手拿刀，把生活慢慢享用。
80. In my left hand, I hold a fork; in my right, a knife. Slowly savor life.
81.别觉得你被世界抛弃了，世界根本就没空搭理你。
81. Don’t feel like the world has abandoned you; the world is too busy to even notice you.
82.人品就这么点，省着点儿花，挥霍是可耻的。
82. Character is limited; spend it wisely, as squandering it is shameful.
83.脸乃身外之物，可要可不要，钱乃必要之物，不得不要。
83. Face is an external thing, dispensable; money is a necessity, indispensable.
84.地理老师问：四大洋分别是那个？我答：喜羊羊美羊羊懒羊羊沸羊羊
84. Geography teacher asks: What are the four oceans? I answer: Pleasant Sheep, Beauty Sheep, Lazy Sheep, and Boiling Sheep.
85.好累，想在后脑勺划一刀，然后瘫在地上装储蓄罐。
85. So tired, I want to cut my back of the head and collapse on the ground pretending to be a piggy bank.
86.爱情就像个响屁，高调的开始，低调的结束。
86. Love is like a loud fart, starting with a bang and ending with a whimper.
87.你就是我心中的那首忐忑，总是让我惊心动魄。
87. You are the忐忑 in my heart, always making my heart race.
88.您复杂的五官，掩饰不了您朴素的智商。
88. Your complex facial features cannot conceal your simple intelligence.
89.人和猪的区别就是：猪一直是猪，而人有时却不是人！
89. The difference between humans and pigs is that pigs are always pigs, while humans are sometimes not human!
90.人家有的是背景，而我有的只是背影。
90. Others have backgrounds, while I only have a silhouette.
91.哪里跌倒，哪里爬起。老是在那里跌倒，我怀疑那里有个坑！
91. If you fall, get up where you fell. If you keep falling there, I suspect there’s a pit!
92.晚自习的时候考试，拿出手机搜答案，突然，老师把灯一关，我……亮了。
92. During evening study, I took out my phone to search for answers during an exam. Suddenly, the teacher turned off the lights, and I… lit up.
93.我曾经跟一个人无数次擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
93. I once passed by someone countless times, and my clothes were worn out, but no sparks were generated.
94.鲜花往往不属于赏花的人，而属于牛粪。
94. Flowers often don’t belong to those who appreciate them, but to the cow dung.
95.爱情就象鬼，相信的人多，见到的人少。
95. Love is like a ghost; many believe in it, but few have seen it.
96.你穿得很危险，但长得很安全。
96. You dress dangerously, but you look safe.
97.胖子的心声：嘴里很享受，心里很想瘦。
97. Fat people’s inner voice: Enjoying the taste, but longing to be thin.
98.要不是打不过你，早就跟你翻脸了。
98. If I could beat you, I would have turned against you long ago.
99.生时何需久睡，死后自会长眠。
99. There’s no need for long sleep in life; after death, you’ll sleep for a long time.
100.别洗它，要不是这些泥，这破车早就散架了。
100. Don’t wash it; without this mud, this broken car would have fallen apart long ago.
60句让人忍俊不禁的爆笑句子
1. The cat jumped so high, it thought it was a kangaroo. 2. I told my friend I was on a diet, but then I saw a cake and got very confused. 3. My dog thinks he’s a lap dog, but he’s actually the size of a small horse. 4. I tried to be quiet, but my sneeze is louder than a trumpet. 5. I thought I could count my chickens, but there were too many to fit in the room. 6. The duck at the pond was so graceful, it looked like it was dancing on water. 7. I wanted to be a superhero, but then I realized I’m terrified of capes. 8. My fish is so lazy, it’s still in the packaging. 9. The squirrel outside my window is so bold, it steals food right from my plate. 10. I told my friend I was a great cook, but then I accidentally set the kitchen on fire. 11. The cow at the farm was so big, I thought it was a small mountain. 12. I tried to learn yoga, but my body is more like a pretzel. 13. My computer is so slow, it takes a nap every time I blink. 14. The bird at the park sings so beautifully, it makes me want to join a choir. 15. I wanted to be a detective, but then I realized I’m terrible at finding my own keys. 16. The spider in my house is so big, I think it’s planning to move in. 17. I tried to meditate, but my mind is more like a wild horse. 18. The cake at the bakery was so delicious, it made my taste buds dance. 19. I wanted to be a race car driver, but then I realized I’m afraid of speed bumps. 20. The dog at the park was so happy, it looked like it was walking on sunshine. 21. I tried to do a cartwheel, but ended up doing a faceplant instead. 22. The frog at the pond was so loud, it sounded like a lion. 23. My computer is so old, it still uses floppy disks. 24. The flower in my garden is so colorful, it looks like a rainbow. 25. I wanted to be a pirate, but then I realized I’m afraid of the ocean. 26. The cat at the shelter was so fluffy, it looked like a cloud. 27. I tried to do a handstand, but ended up doing a headstand instead. 28. The bird at the feeder was so greedy, it tried to eat the whole bag of seeds. 29. I wanted to be a magician, but then I realized I’m terrible at keeping secrets. 30. The dog at the park was so energetic, it looked like it was powered by batteries. 31. I tried to whistle, but all I got was a sore throat. 32. The cat at the vet was so scared, it tried to hide in the doctor’s coat. 33. My computer is so slow, it takes a vacation every time I leave the room. 34. The flower at the market was so fragrant, it made my nose happy. 35. I wanted to be a pilot, but then I realized I’m afraid of heights. 36. The dog at the park was so playful, it looked like it was having a party by itself. 37. I tried to do a split, but ended up doing a summersault instead. 38. The frog in the pond was so tiny, it looked like a pea. 39. My computer is so outdated, it still uses a dial-up connection. 40. The cake at the party was so soft, it melted in my mouth. 41. I wanted to be a clown, but then I realized I’m terrible at making people laugh. 42. The cat at the fair was so talented, it could play the piano. 43. I tried to juggle, but ended up dropping everything. 44. The bird on the wire was so still, it looked like a statue. 45. I wanted to be a chef, but then I realized I’m terrible at cooking. 46. The dog at the park was so friendly, it made friends with every person it met. 47. I tried to do a backflip, but ended up doing a belly flop instead. 48. The frog in the garden was so green, it blended in with the grass. 49. My computer is so slow, it takes a nap every time I open a new tab. 50. The flower at the festival was so bright, it lit up the night. 51. I wanted to be a detective, but then I realized I’m terrible at solving puzzles. 52. The cat at the show was so elegant, it looked like a model. 53. I tried to do a cartwheel, but ended up doing a faceplant instead. 54.
1.装逼只是瞬间，不要脸才是永恒。
1. Bragging is just a moment, shamelessness is eternal.
2.我掐指一算，发现你命里缺我。
2. With a quick掐指一算 (掐指一算), I realized you lack me in your life.
3.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点：不肯承认这是脸的问题。
3. People who are always dissatisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit it’s an issue with their face.
4.有一种爱叫放手，手放开后，请你快走。
4. There is a kind of love called letting go, and once you let go, please leave quickly.
5.不想叛师的徒弟，都是不成才的徒弟。
5. Disciples who don’t want to betray their master are usually untalented.
6.男人的实力，就是你兜里的人民币。
6. A man’s true strength lies in the amount of Renminbi in his pocket.
7.瞧你这长相，不用化妆就能去演恐怖片了。
7. With your appearance, you could act in a horror movie without even wearing makeup.
8.笨男人+笨女人=结婚；笨男人+聪明女人=离婚；聪明男人+笨女人=婚外情；聪明男人+聪明女人=浪漫爱情。
8. Dumb men + dumb women = marriage; dumb men + smart women = divorce; smart men + dumb women = affairs; smart men + smart women = romantic love.
9.上帝说要有光，我说我反对，于是，世界上有了黑暗。
9. God said there should be light, but I said I’m against it, and so, darkness was created in the world.
10.睡眠是一门艺术，谁也无法阻挡我追求艺术的脚步！
10. Sleeping is an art, and no one can stop me from pursuing artistic endeavors!
11.乞丐：大嫂，我两天没吃饭了，能给点儿蛋糕吗？大嫂：蛋糕？我这儿只有米饭。乞丐：要是平常也就算了，可今天是我的生日！
11. Beggar: Sister, I haven’t eaten in two days. Can you give me some cake? Sister: Cake? All I have here is rice. Beggar: If it were any other day, I’d be fine, but today is my birthday!
12.今天四级听力听得最清楚的一句：现在请监考老师把磁带拿出来翻到B面继续听。
12. The clearest sentence I heard in today’s Level 4 listening test: Now, please ask the proctors to take out the tape and turn it to side B to continue listening.
13.嘻嘻和哈哈是一对好朋友，非常要好的朋友。有一天，哈哈死了，嘻嘻很难过，他走到哈哈的坟前说：“哈哈，你死了。”
13. Hehe and haha were best friends, very close friends. One day, haha died, and hehe was very sad. He went to haha’s grave and said, “Haha, you’re dead.”
14.曾经有个小女孩在楼上对我说：哥哥你好帅啊!我当即回了句：不帅不帅、随便长的。
14. Once a little girl upstairs said to me, “Big brother, you’re so handsome!” I immediately replied, “Not handsome, not handsome, just a random look.”
15.你复杂的五官掩饰不了你朴素的智商！
15. Your complicated facial features can’t hide your simple intelligence!
16.我不喜欢只和一个女人上很多次床，而是喜欢和很多女人只上一次床。
16. I don’t like to sleep with one woman many times; instead, I prefer to sleep with many women just once.
17.不要为旧的悲伤，浪费新的眼泪！
17. Don’t waste new tears for old sorrows!
18.网上自古无娇娘，残花败柳一行行，偶有几对鸳鸯鸟，也是野鸡配色狼。
18. Since ancient times, the internet has had no beautiful maidens, only rows of faded flowers. Occasionally, there are a few pairs of mandarin ducks, but they’re just wild chickens dyed like wolves.
19.当我微笑时，我的笑容充满了诗人般放荡不羁的气质，在这放荡不羁的背后流露着的却是细腻而温暖的情感。当我沉默时，仰首便仿佛唱诗班纯洁的翩翩少女，垂首则像深刻而高雅的贵族。是的，我便是这样一个将各种仿佛不可调和的特质完美地融合在一起的男子。
19. When I smile, my expression is filled with a poet’s unruly temperament, and behind this unruliness lies a delicate and warm emotion. When I’m silent, looking up feels like a pure and innocent choir girl, while looking down resembles a profound and elegant noble. Yes, I am such a man who perfectly blends seemingly incompatible traits together.
20.刚交的gf跟我才确定一周的关系就要和我分手，就因为我没读过奥克塔维奥帕斯的书和博尔赫斯的诗
20. The girlfriend I just started dating for a week wants to break up with me, just because I haven’t read the books of Octavio Paz and the poems of Borges.
21.前20年我们吃饭，睡觉，玩乐，享受生活；接下来的40年为养家糊口疲于奔命；而最后的10年呢，每天蹲在门口，和过往的行人打着招呼。
21. In the first 20 years, we eat, sleep, have fun, and enjoy life; in the next 40 years, we work tirelessly to support our families; and in the last 10 years, we sit at the doorstep every day, greeting passers-by.
22.我太纯洁了，我纯洁的都有些无耻了！
22. I’m so innocent, I’m so innocent it’s almost shameless!
23.谢谢你，谢你大爷，谢你全家，谢你祖宗十八代！
23. Thank you, thank your uncle, thank your whole family, thank your ancestors for 18 generations!
24.等我有钱了，我就买一辆公交车，专门走公交专用车道，专门停在公交车站，等有人想上车了，我就说：对不起，这是私家车。
24. When I’m rich, I’ll buy a bus, drive in the bus-only lanes, stop at bus stops, and when someone wants to get on, I’ll say: Sorry, this is a private car.
25.在公交车上，一个孕妇站在一个坐在凳子的年青男人前面，孕妇对他说:”难道你不知道我怀孕了吗?”那男的说:”对不起，这孩子不会是我的吧?”
25. On the bus, a pregnant woman stands in front of a young man sitting on a stool. The pregnant woman says to him: “Don’t you know I’m pregnant?” The man replies: “Sorry, but it can’t be my child, can it?”
26.没有女人的日子里，我以调戏男人为乐。
26. Without women in my life, I take pleasure in teasing men.
27.你当我是个风筝，要不把我放了，要不然收好带回家，别用一条看不见的情思拴着我，让我心伤。
27. You treat me like a kite, either let me go or take me home, don’t tie me up with an invisible thread of affection, it breaks my heart.
28.年轻的时候，我们常常冲着镜子做鬼脸；年老的时候，镜子算是扯平了。
28. When we were young, we often made faces at the mirror; when we’re old, the mirror makes faces back at us.
29.谁说我白，瘦，漂亮~我就跟他做好朋友~
29. If anyone says I’m white, thin, and beautiful, I’ll be their best friend~
30.人又不聪明，还学人家秃顶！
30. I’m not even smart, yet I’m going bald like someone else!
31.烧香的不一定是和尚，还可能是熊猫！
31. Not all incense burners are monks; some could be pandas!
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