1、我这人不太懂音乐，所以时而不靠谱，时而不着调。
1. I’m not very knowledgeable about music, so sometimes I’m off-key and sometimes I’m out of tune.
2、如果不是老师让我们别乱丢垃圾，我早就想把你扔出去了。
2. If it weren’t for the teacher telling us not to litter, I would have thrown you out long ago.
3、求求你月老，以后别在用劣质的线给我牵了嘛，隔三差五的就断。
3. Please, Matchmaker, don’t use cheap strings for me in the future. They break every now and then.
4、等将来我有了钱的时候，我就把我讨厌的人送去最好的精神病院。
4. When I have money in the future, I’ll send the people I hate to the best mental hospital.
5、我们是农村的葫芦娃，你是城市的奥特曼。
5. We are the rural Calabash Brothers, and you are the urban Ultraman.
6、孟婆婆，给我汤的时候，千万记着放糖，我来生在谢你
6. Old Lady Meng, when giving me the soup, remember to add sugar. I’ll thank you in my next life.
7、等谁跟我结婚了，我就马上把离婚办事处给炸了。
7. Once someone marries me, I’ll immediately blow up the divorce office.
8、我是说呢为何咱俩总是混不熟，原来你特别喜欢见外啊。
8. That’s why we always seem unfamiliar with each other; it turns out you like to be distant.
9、从小学到大学，唯一不变的就是一颗不想念书的心。
9. From elementary school to university, the only thing that hasn’t changed is my heart that doesn’t want to study.
10、你也该学学人家腾讯每次上线都喊我亲爱的。
10. You should learn from Tencent, who calls me dear every time I log in.
11、考试：开卷和闭卷的不同就在于，一个在上面抄，一个在下面抄。
11. The difference between open-book and closed-book exams is that one copies from the top, and the other copies from below.
12、信就是信，不信就是不信，你丫的还微信。
12. Belief is belief, disbelief is disbelief, and you, with your WeChat.
13、什么是坏人，白天脱裤子的男人，晚上不卸妆的女人。
13. What is a bad person? A man who takes off his pants during the day, and a woman who doesn’t remove her makeup at night.
14、不怕喝敌敌畏，就怕开盖有惊喜，畅享多一瓶该与谁分享。
14. I’m not afraid of drinking DDT, but I’m afraid of the surprise when I open the cap. Who should I share the extra bottle with?
15、作为一个禽兽，这世界上也只有禽兽不如才能打败我。
15. As an animal, only someone worse than an animal can defeat me in this world.
16、为什么我不幸的时候，上帝总是在打瞌睡。
16. Why is God always dozing off when I’m unfortunate?
17、有时，我做梦都想“吃饱了撑着”。
17. Sometimes, I even dream of being “stuffed after eating.”
18、拿份报纸上厕所，俺是读书人。
18. Taking a newspaper to the toilet, I’m a scholar.
19、下辈子我还找你，因为除了我，你是最傻的。
19. I’ll still find you in the next life because, apart from me, you’re the silliest.
20、争吵的时候，男人和女人的区别像是步枪和机关枪的区别。
20. The difference between men and women during arguments is like the difference between a rifle and a machine gun.
21、爷爷都是从孙子走过来的……
21. Grandfathers were once grandsons…
22、女人拥有无数个QQ号只为了调戏一个男人，男人常用一个QQ号上面加满各种各样的女人…
22. Women have countless QQ accounts just to tease a single man, while men often use one QQ account to add various women…
23、不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友！
23. It’s not the enemy like a tiger that scares us, but the teammate like a pig!
24、银行收费时说：“这符合国际惯例。”服务时却说：“要考虑中国国情。”
24. Banks say, “This complies with international practices” when charging fees, but say, “We must consider China’s national conditions” when providing services.
25、没什么事不要找我，有事更不用找我。
25. Don’t contact me for no reason, and don’t contact me even if there is a reason.
26、天使之所以会飞，是因为她们把自己看得很轻…
26. Angels can fly because they see themselves as light…
27、拥抱真是个奇怪的东西，明明靠的那么近，却看不见彼此的脸。
27. Hugging is such a strange thing; you’re so close to each other, yet you can’t see each other’s faces.
28、房价越来越高，所以，好男人越来越少…
28. Housing prices are getting higher and higher, so good men are becoming fewer and fewer…
29、怎么给MM过一个难忘的生日？先把她爆揍一顿，然后把广州最贵楼盘的房证送上，保证既难忘又惊喜！
29. How to give a girl an unforgettable birthday? First, beat her up, then give her the property deed of the most expensive real estate in Guangzhou. It’s guaranteed to be unforgettable and surprising!
30、老婆看完几个我在大学交的女友照片后，一个劲地夸我不好色，…
30. After my wife saw some photos of my girlfriends from college, she kept praising me for not being a lecher…
31、我花万买了个西周陶罐，昨儿到《鉴宝》栏目进行鉴定，专家严肃地说：“这哪是西周的？这是上周的！”
31. I spent 10,000 yuan on a Western Zhou pottery jar. Yesterday, I went to the “Appraisal” column for identification, and the expert said seriously, “This is not from the Western Zhou period; it’s from last week!”
32、最受不了这样的商家–牌子上写道：拆迁，给钱就卖！一件羽绒服我甩给她块她就是不卖，太欺诈消费者了！
32. I can’t stand such merchants - the sign reads
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