1、不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友。
1. Fear not an enemy like a tiger, but a teammate like a pig.
2、走自己的路，让别人打车去吧。
2. Walk your own path, and let others take a taxi.
3、老鼠扛刀，满街找猫。
3. A rat with a knife, searching for cats everywhere.
4、只要功夫深，拉屎也认真。
4. With deep dedication, even defecating is taken seriously.
5、夏天就是不好，穷的时候我连西北风都没得喝……
5. Summer is not good, when I’m poor, I don’t even have the northwest wind to drink…
6、中国人谁跑的最快？是曹操（非刘翔）。因为说曹操曹操到。
6. Who runs the fastest in China? It’s Cao Cao (not Liu Xiang). Because when you talk about Cao Cao, Cao Cao arrives.
7、思想有多远，你就给我滚多远。
7. The farther your thoughts go, the farther you should get away from me.
8、只有在火车站大排长龙时，才能真正意识到自己是“龙的传人”。
8. Only when you see the long lines at the train station can you truly realize that you are a “descendant of the dragon.”
9、有情人终成家属。
9. Lovers eventually become family members.
10、春天来了，一群大雁正向北飞，一会儿排成B字型，一会儿排成T字型。
10. Spring is here, a flock of wild geese are flying north, forming a B-shape and then a T-shape.
11、在哪里跌倒吗，就在哪里躺下。
11. If you fall somewhere, just lie down there.
12、出问题先从自己身上找原因，别一便秘就怪地球没引力。
12. When there’s a problem, look for the reasons within yourself, don’t blame the lack of gravity for constipation.
13、驴是的念来过倒。
13. The donkey’s name is read backward.
14、吃自助最高境界：扶墙进，扶墙出。
14. The highest level of eating at a buffet: enter leaning on the wall, exit leaning on the wall.
15、虽然我长的不是很帅，但小时候也有人夸我左边鼻孔很偶像派。
15. Although I’m not very handsome, when I was a child, some people praised my left nostril as very idol-like.
16、没有钱，没有权，再不对你好点，你能跟我？
16. No money, no power, if I don’t treat you better, would you still be with me?
17、拿份报纸上厕所，俺是读书人。
17. Taking a newspaper to the toilet, I am a scholar.
18、女人一定要对自己好一点。一旦累死了，就会有别的女人花你的钱，住你的房，睡你的老公，打你的娃！
18. Women must be kind to themselves. Once you’re exhausted to death, another woman will spend your money, live in your house, sleep with your husband, and beat your child!
19、你的丑和你的脸没有关系……
19. Your ugliness has nothing to do with your face…
20、爷爷都是从孙子走过来的……
20. Grandfathers were once grandsons…
21、老天，你让夏天和冬天同居了吗？！生出这种鬼天气！
21. God, did you let summer and winter live together?! Creating this kind of weird weather!
22、鸟大了什么林子都有！
22. There are all kinds of forests for big birds!
23、不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友。
23. I’m not afraid of tiger-like enemies, but I am afraid of pig-like teammates.
24、我拼命奔跑，却甩不开紧紧跟随的伤悲……
24. I run desperately, but I can’t shake off the tightly following sorrow…
25、人类是狗最好的伙伴。
25. Humans are a dog’s best friend.
26、找不到我喜欢的伞，我宁愿淋湿。
26. If I can’t find the umbrella I like, I’d rather get wet.
27、你飞翔的越高，在不能飞的人的眼中就显得越渺小。
27. The higher you fly, the more insignificant you appear in the eyes of those who can’t fly.
28、第一最好不相见，如此便可不相恋，第二最好不相知，如此便可不相思。
28. First, it’s best not to meet, so we won’t fall in love; second, it’s best not to know each other, so we won’t yearn for each other.
29、不做无聊之事，难度有生之涯。
29. Not doing boring things is difficult in one’s lifetime.
30、扛一面顶风的大旗，上写两个大字：好人！！
30. Carry a big flag against the wind, with two big characters on it: Good Person!
31、有些事情本身我们无法控制，只好控制自己。
31. There are some things we can’t control, so we have to control ourselves.
32、宁愿骄傲的孤单，也不委屈的喜欢。
32. I’d rather be proudly alone than like someone unwillingly.
33、猫步走向社会！
33. Strutting into society like a cat!
34、兄弟从前的情感生活，那也是颇为凌乱的。
34. My brother’s past emotional life was quite messy as well.
35、我花8万买了个西周陶罐，昨儿到《鉴宝》栏目进行鉴定，专家严肃地说：“这哪是西周的？这是上周的！”
35. I spent 80,000 on a Western Zhou pottery jar, and yesterday I took it to the “Appraisal” column for identification. The expert said seriously, “This is not from the Western Zhou period; it’s from last week!”
36、鱼说：“我时时刻刻把眼睁开是为了在你身边不舍离开。”水说：“我终日流淌不知疲倦是为了围绕你，好好把你抱紧。”锅说：“都他妈快熟了还这么多废话。”
36. The fish says, “I
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