1、走投无路还走什么走，直接坐车啊。
1. If you’re out of options, just take a car instead of walking.
2、脱了衣服我是禽兽，穿上衣服我是衣冠禽兽！
2. Naked, I am a beast; clothed, I am a well-dressed beast!
3、睡眠是一门艺术，谁也无法阻挡我追求艺术的脚步！
3. Sleep is an art, and no one can stop me from pursuing my artistic endeavors!
4、上帝说要有光，我说我反对，于是，世界上有了黑暗。
4. God said let there be light, but I objected, and thus, darkness was created in the world.
5、男人靠征服世界来征服女人！女人靠征服男人来征服世界！
5. Men conquer the world to conquer women! Women conquer men to conquer the world!
6、自从我变成了狗屎，就再也没人踩到我头上。
6. Ever since I became dog feces, no one has stepped on my head.
7、男人膝下有黄金，我把整个腿都切下来了，连块铜也没找着！
7. There’s gold in a man’s knees; I even cut off my whole leg but couldn’t find a piece of copper!
8、读10年语文，不如聊一个月QQ。
8. Studying language for 10 years is not as good as chatting on QQ for a month.
9、如果朋友可以出卖，每个值五块的话，我也能发笔小财了。
9. If friends could be sold, and each was worth five dollars, I could make a small fortune.
10、师太，你就从了老衲吧！…很久很久以后…师太，你就饶了老衲吧！
10. Nun, just yield to me!… A long time later… Nun, please spare me!
11、小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我。
11. When I was young, I thought I could save the world when I grew up; but when I grew up, I realized the world couldn’t save me.
12、从猴子变成人需要成千上万年，从人变回猴子只用一瓶酒。
12. It takes thousands of years for a monkey to evolve into a human, but it only takes a bottle of alcohol for a human to devolve into a monkey.
13、我们可以躲开大家，却躲不开一只苍蝇。生活中使我们不快乐的常是一些芝麻小事。
13. We can avoid everyone, but not a single fly. It’s often the trivial matters in life that make us unhappy.
14、笨男人+笨女人=结婚；笨男人+聪明女人=离婚；聪明男人+笨女人=婚外情；聪明男人+聪明女人=浪漫爱情。
14. Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage; dumb man + smart woman = divorce; smart man + dumb woman = affair; smart man + smart woman = romantic love.
15、女人拥有无数个QQ号只为了调戏一个男人，男人常用一个QQ号上面加满各种各样的女人。
15. Women have countless QQ accounts just to tease one man, while men often use a single QQ account to add all kinds of women.
16、如果你问周围朋友词语，如果十个人，九个人说不知道，那么，这是一个机遇，如果十个人，九个人都知道了，就是一个行业。
16. If you ask friends about a word and nine out of ten say they don’t know, it’s an opportunity. If nine out of ten know it, it’s an industry.
17、与人交往的时候，多听少说。这就是，上帝为什么给我们一个嘴巴两个耳朵的原因。
17. When interacting with others, listen more and talk less. That’s why God gave us one mouth and two ears.
18、姐不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
18. I’m not a fortune teller in the square, so I can’t chatter as much as you’d like.
19、我要做个臭豆腐一样的男人，闻着臭吃着香，这叫内涵。
19. I want to be a man like stinky tofu - smelling bad but tasting good, which is called connotation.
20、我也不知道人为什么而活，所以我至今还活着。
20. I don’t know why people live, so I’m still alive to this day.
21、有人对你说，我家冲马桶都用矿泉水，你怎么回应？老子尿出来的都是皇家礼炮。
21. If someone says to you, “I even use mineral water to flush my toilet,” you can respond with, “Well, I only urinate Royal Salute (a high-end whiskey brand).”
22、现在的天气，自来水可直接泡方便面。
22. The current weather is so hot that tap water can be used to make instant noodles.
23、小三算什么，他充其量也只不过是个人。
23. A mistress is nothing; at best, she is just a person.
24、谢谢你，谢你大爷，谢你全家，谢你祖宗十八代。
24. Thank you, thank your grandpa, thank your whole family, and thank your ancestors from eighteen generations back.
25、心不跟爱一起走，说好就一宿。
25. If the heart doesn’t walk with love, it’s just a one-night stand.
26、新时代的女性，上的了厅堂，翻的了围墙，斗的了小三，打的了流氓，就是下不了厨房。
26. Modern women can enter the living room, climb fences, fight mistresses, confront hooligans, but they just can’t step into the kitchen.
27、幸福就好，不要晒出来，因为晒多了，迟早有一天会晒干的，所以低调。
27. Happiness is good, but don’t flaunt it, because if you expose it too much, it will eventually dry up. So, keep a low profile.
28、英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
28. A hero doesn’t care about his origin, and a hooligan doesn’t care about his age!
29、我悄悄的来，悄悄的走，挥一挥匕首，不留一个活口。
29. I came quietly, left quietly, waved a dagger, and left no su
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