1、没人牵我的手，我就揣兜里。
1. If no one holds my hand, I’ll just put it in my pocket.
2、哥们最大的愿望是：美女不穿衣裳！
2. My buddy’s biggest wish is: beautiful women wearing no clothes!
3、师弟形容他宿舍的卫生情况——“回到宿舍，我都不想睁开眼！！！”
3. My junior brother described the cleanliness of his dormitory - “When I get back to the dorm, I don’t even want to open my eyes!”
4、清华大学又名“青蛙大学”——当你边吃包子边说时…
4. Tsinghua University is also called “Frog University” - when you say it while eating a bun…
5、放自己的屁，让别人闻去吧！
5. Let me release my own fart and let others smell it!
6、不吃饱哪有力气减肥啊？
6. How can you lose weight if you’re not full?
7、球进了，是守门员把球踢进的。
7. The ball went in; it was the goalkeeper who kicked it in.
8、当面夸一女同学：你真是清水出芙蓉！！
8. Complimenting a female classmate to her face: “You are as pure as a lotus emerging from the water!”
9、怎么死的？还不是穷死的。
9. How did they die?还不是穷死的 (It’s not because they were poor, is it?)
10、花坛里有一个一元钱的硬币，可是花坛边的牌子上写着“踏入花坛，罚款三元！”，真是为难。
10. There’s a one-yuan coin in the flower bed, but the sign at the edge of the flower bed says, “Fine of three yuan for stepping into the flower bed!” What a dilemma.
11、如果照镜子要上税，恐怕有些女人会破产。
11. If there were taxes on looking in the mirror, some women might go bankrupt.
12、暗恋是成功的哑剧，说出来就成了悲剧。
12. Unrequited love is a successful mime act; once spoken, it becomes a tragedy.
13、希望似火，失望如烟，人生就是七处点火，八处冒烟。
13. Hope is like fire, disappointment is like smoke; life is about lighting seven fires and having eight columns of smoke.
14、格式化自己，只为删除你。
14. Formatting myself just to delete you.
15、一个胖子居然自称自己不是粗人。
15. A fat person居然自称 (actually claims) not to be coarse.
16、世界上最远的距离不是生与死，而是我隐身你在线，你却在线我隐身。
16. The longest distance in the world is not between life and death, but when I go offline and you stay online, and when you go online and I stay offline.
17、别人都说我很瘦，我只是胖的不明显。
17. Others say I’m thin, but I’m just not obviously fat.
18、孔子不能帮你解决的问题，老子帮你解决。
18. If Confucius can’t help you solve the problem, Laozi will help you.
19、我对你的每一次想念是一粒沙，所以世界上就有了撒哈拉。
19. Every time I miss you, it’s a grain of sand, and that’s how the Sahara Desert came to be.
20、韩国学者认为：孙悟空其实是韩国神仙，因为他用的是棒子！
20. Korean scholars believe that Sun Wukong is actually a Korean deity because he uses a staff!
21、姐就是姐，从未被超越。
21. Sis is always sis, never surpassed.
22、生活其实很快乐就看你站在哪个角度看。
22. Life can be happy if you look at it from the right perspective.
23、雷锋做了好事不留名，但是每一件事情都记到日记里面。
23. Lei Feng did good deeds without leaving his name, but he recorded every single act in his diary.
24、不吃饱哪有力气减肥啊？
24. How can you lose weight if you’re not full?
25、真不好意思，让您贱笑了。
25. I’m sorry to make you laugh at my expense.
26、男人赚钱后想和老婆离婚，男人赚不到钱老婆想和他离婚。
26. When a man earns money, he wants to divorce his wife; when a man doesn’t earn money, his wife wants to divorce him.
27、男人有外遇体现在工作越来越忙，女人有外遇体现在做的菜越来越咸。
27. A man having an affair shows it by getting busier at work, while a woman having an affair shows it by making her dishes saltier.
28、女人对你说“讨厌”的时候表明她喜欢你，男人对你说“讨厌”的时候他是真的讨厌你。
28. When a woman says “I hate you,” she actually likes you; when a man says “I hate you,” he really hates you.
29、我能抵抗一切，除了诱惑。
29. I can resist everything except temptation.
30、老子不但有车，还是自行的。
30. I have a car, and it’s a bicycle.
31、大家都说我是个演员，是因为我一看见漂亮MM眼就圆……
31. Everyone says I’m an actor because my eyes widen when I see a pretty girl…
32、男人在不懂的时候装懂，女人则恰好相反。
32. Men pretend to understand when they don’t, while women do the opposite.
33、你不能让所有人满意，因为不是所有的人都是人！
33. You can’t satisfy everyone because not everyone is human!
34、林子大了，什么鸟都有。社会复杂了，什么人都有了。我是哪一类人呢，我正琢磨着呢？
34. The bigger the forest, the more diverse the birds. The more complex society becomes, the more diverse the people. What kind of person am I? I’m still figuring it out.
35、有奶不一定是娘，但有钱一定是爷！
35. Not all who nurse you are mothers, but those with money are definitely masters!
36、时间是最好的老师，但遗憾的是，最后他把所有的学生都弄死了。
36. Time is the best teacher,
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