1.据说这就是吃货狂吃时的状态：嘴里很享受，心里很想瘦。
1. It is said that this is the state of a foodie when binge-eating: enjoying the taste in their mouth while wishing to be thin in their heart.

2.说真的，我的床上功夫真的很厉害，我可以不吃不喝不上厕所在床上躺睡一天。
2. Honestly, I am really good at staying in bed; I can lie there without eating, drinking, or going to the bathroom for a whole day.

3.眉毛少的人没法做朋友，拍个照不让美白，因为一美白她眉毛就不见了。
3. People with sparse eyebrows can’t be friends; when taking a photo, they don’t allow whitening because their eyebrows disappear.

4.我能想到最浪漫的事，就是看你慢慢变老而我依旧帅气逼人。
4. The most romantic thing I can think of is watching you slowly grow old while I remain handsome.

5.养的小仓鼠生病了，不过没关系，家里有老鼠药，希望它吃过以后能好起来。
5. My pet hamster got sick, but it’s okay because there’s rat poison at home; hopefully, it will get better after taking it.

6.可以触摸的痛苦是什么？就是我觉得肚子都饿扁了，一摸还是有一坨肉。
6. What is touchable pain? It’s when I feel my stomach is so empty, but when I touch it, there’s still a lump of fat.

7.强迫症就是：睡觉前必须上个厕所，如果去过厕所后再玩手机，那一会睡觉还要再去一趟。
7. Obsessive-compulsive disorder means you must go to the bathroom before going to sleep; if you use your phone after going to the bathroom, you’ll need to go again before sleeping.

8.如果上帝关掉你的一扇窗顺便也把门堵上了，有可能上帝要开空调了哦。
8. If God closes a window for you and blocks the door, it might be because God wants to turn on the air conditioner.

9.那天老师问我为什么上课睡觉，我回了句医生说吃完药就得睡觉。
9. That day, the teacher asked me why I was sleeping in class, and I replied that the doctor said I had to sleep after taking medicine.

10.化学实验课，老师问我：“加钡？不加钡？”我立马喊道：“抢地主！”我觉得老师再也不会爱我了，老师大喊：“我抢！”
10. In chemistry class, the teacher asked me, “Add barium? Or not add barium?” I immediately shouted, “Landlord!” I think the teacher will never love me again; the teacher shouted, “I’ll take it!”

11.孩子们别怕，谁让你们挂科，我就让谁挂！
11. Kids, don’t be afraid; whoever makes you fail, I’ll make them fail too!

12.你看，总有那么多的事情让你伤感：阴晴圆缺，悲欢离合，阳痿早泄…
12. Look, there are always so many things that make you feel sad: the changing weather, joys and sorrows, separations and reunions, erectile dysfunction, and premature ejaculation…

13.不要对自己过于自信，能收拾你的人比你能想到的多的多。
13. Don’t be too confident in yourself; there are far more people who can deal with you than you can imagine.

14.对于女生，又长了几斤肉并不那么可怕，可怕的是闺密那个贱人竟然又瘦了。
14. For girls, gaining a few pounds is not that terrible; what’s really scary is when your best friend loses weight again.

15.有时候觉得自己变丑了，拿出身份证一看，发现多虑了。
15. Sometimes I feel that I’ve become uglier, but when I take out my ID card, I realize I was worrying too much.

16.人生就像愤怒的小鸟，当你失败时，总有几只猪在笑。
16. Life is like Angry Birds; when you fail, there are always a few pigs laughing at you.

17.别说世界抛弃了你，世界根本没空搭理你。
17. Don’t say the world has abandoned you; the world just doesn’t have time to pay attention to you.

18.原谅他是上帝的事，我的任务就是送他去见上帝。
18. Forgiving him is God’s job; my task is to send him to meet God.

19.空欢喜就是早上醒来，以为自己长高了，仔细一看，原来是被子盖横了……
19. Empty joy is waking up in the morning, thinking you’ve grown taller, only to find out it’s because your blanket was covering you diagonally…

20.你爸我是草原散养的，饿了吃过蚂蚱，不是所有的鸡都叫时光鸡。
20. Your dad is a free-range chicken from the grasslands; I’ve eaten grasshoppers when I was hungry, and not all chickens are called Time Chicken.

21.你说你愿意和我白头到老，不行，我想黑发飘飘。
21. You said you would grow old with me, but I’d rather have black hair fluttering in the wind.

22.如果你实在饿了打电话给我，我吃点零食嚼给你听。
22. If you’re really hungry, call me and I’ll chew some snacks for you to listen to.

23.太关注我的人，一般只有两种人，一种是暗恋我的，一种是暗算我的。
23. People who pay too much attention to me are generally only two kinds: those who have a crush on me and those who are plotting against me.

24.人终有一死，或死于数学，或亡于物理，或跪于生物，或葬于化学，或纠结于语文，或迷失于英语，或消亡于体育。
24. Everyone will die someday, either by math, physics, biology, chemistry, Chinese, English, or sports.

25.以后不要说什么蓝瘦香菇，那是南方人才说的，北方人要有自己的个性。鳖蛆，想蚝。
25. From now on, don’t say “blue thin mushroom”; that’s what people from the south say. People from the north should have their own personality. Turtle’s eggs, I miss oysters.

26.你说走就走，从未顾虑过我的感受，见你第一眼就知道，你是一条难养的狗。
26. You left without a second thought, never considering my feelings. From the first glance, I knew you were a difficult dog to raise.

27.有人说我不要脸，这简直胡扯，这么帅我哪舍得不要。
27. Some people say I have no shame, which is nonsense. How could I abandon my handsome face?

28.把屁都存起来，到时候全部捐给那些对我不满的人。
28. Save all the farts and donate them to those who are dissatisfied with me.

29.描述一下你上课的模样，从脊椎动物变成无脊椎动物最后变成软体动物。
29. Describe your appearance in class: from a vertebrate to an invertebrate, and finally to a mollusk.

30.你不爱我，我也不稀罕你的爱，拿着你的爱离我远一点。
30. If you don’t love me, I don’t care about your love. Take your love away from me.

31.这么大冷天里，这么大冷天里，单身狗可能会升级为汪汪碎冰冰。
31. In such a cold day, single dogs might upgrade to “barking broken ice.”

32.我不骂人，因为我动手能力比较强。
32. I don’t curse at people because I have strong hands-on skills.

33.如果我是僵尸，我一定择吃掉所有好学生的脑。
33. If I were a zombie, I would choose to eat the brains of all the good students.

34.等哥有钱了，买两套房子，送他们拆一套，自己住一套！
34. When I become rich, I’ll buy two houses, give them one to demolish, and live in the other.

35.我有一个篮球梦，梦里我已登巅峰。
35. I have a basketball dream, where I have already reached the peak.

36.被抢走的东西就要用心抢回来，然后用力扔出去。
36. If something is taken away from you, take it back with all your heart and then throw it away with force.

37.别说煽情的话，待会儿酒瓶一砸咱俩各回各家。
37. Don’t say sentimental words; after the bottle smashes, we’ll both go home.

38.身后空无一人，嚣张是我本性。
38. With no one behind me, arrogance is my nature.

39.像你这种人，在我导演的连续剧里，我最多能让你活两集。
39. For people like you, in the TV series I direct, I would only let you live for two episodes at most.

40.最近比较烦、比较烦烦烦烦！无聊的世界苍天，请赐我一死我睡觉去安静一下！
40. I’m quite annoyed lately, so annoyed! Boring world and heaven, please grant me death so I can sleep and be quiet!

41.你这么爱说风凉话，莫非你是风油精和清凉油生出来的？
41. You’re always making sarcastic remarks; could it be that you’re the offspring of Wind Oil and Cooling Oil?

42.又到了这个尴尬的季节，一个穿短袖的和一个穿棉袄的擦肩而过，互相在心底都说了句傻逼。
42. It’s that awkward season again when someone in short sleeves and someone in a cotton jacket pass by each other, secretly calling each other idiots.

43.我妈问我怎么在卫生间那么久不洗澡，我没敢告诉她，我路过镜子时被自己迷住了。
43. My mom asked why I was in the bathroom for so long without taking a shower. I didn’t dare tell her that I was captivated by my own reflection in the mirror.

44.我喜欢你就像我喜欢海，可我也不能去跳海，我可以去上海。
44. I like you just like I like the sea, but I can’t jump into the sea; I can go to Shanghai, though.

45.你总是，间歇性踌躇满志，持续性混吃等死，筹谋一天，躺尸一年。
45. You always have these moments of enthusiasm and determination, but then it’s back to a life of idleness and procrastination, planning for a day and doing nothing for a year.

46.亲爱的，你可得一定要相信我啊，我连坐船都头晕，更何况是脚踏两只船呢。
46. Darling, you must believe me. I get dizzy from riding on a boat, let alone dating two people at the same time.

47.麻麻说：我叛逆期怎么整她，她更年期就怎么整我。
47. Mom said: If I’m rebellious and give her a hard time during my rebellious phase, she’ll do the same to me during her menopausal years.

48.你总是，间歇性踌躇满志，持续性混吃等死，筹谋一天，躺尸一年。
48. You always have these moments of enthusiasm and determination, but then it’s back to a life of idleness and procrastination, planning for a day and doing nothing for a year.

49.给自己讲了个晚安故事，情节跌宕起伏扣人心弦，现在入戏太深还在追查凶手没有一点睡意。
49. I told myself a bedtime story, and the plot was so thrilling and suspenseful that I’m still too engrossed in finding the culprit to fall asleep.

50.你若军训，便是晴天。你若放假，便是雨天。你若发奋写作业，便是开学前一天！
50. If you have military training, it’s sunny. If you have a vacation, it rains. If you’re determined to finish your homework, it’s the day before school starts!

51.老师总是叫我们不要说谎，一到上面来检查时就教我们说谎。
51. Teachers always tell us not to lie, but when there’s an inspection, they teach us to lie.

52.如果我是僵尸，我一定择吃掉所有好学生的脑。
52. If I were a zombie, I would choose to eat the brains of all the good students.

53.这个夏天出门就是进烤箱、走路就是麻辣烫、坐下就是铁板烧、还是别下雨了、下雨就成水煮鱼。
53. This summer, going outside is like entering an oven, walking is like eating spicy hot pot, sitting down is like having an iron板烧, and I’d rather not have rain because then it feels like being boiled in fish soup.

54.如果逃避就能不去面对的话，请送我一双溜冰鞋，让我跑的更快。
54. If escaping could help me avoid facing problems, please give me a pair of ice skates so I can run faster.

55.每一个长期减肥未成功的女子，身边都有一个多年增肥无效的闺蜜。
55. Every woman who has been trying to lose weight for years without success has a best friend who has been trying to gain weight for years without success.

56.帅多好啊!有士陪，有相日!有马骑，有车坐。还有兵保护。
56. It’s great to be handsome! You have company from soldiers, enjoy days with ministers, ride horses, and travel by car. Plus, there are soldiers to protect you.

57.自从人晒黑了，脸色好看了，牙齿变白了，喝酒都不脸红了。
57. Ever since I tanned, my complexion has improved, my teeth look whiter, and I don’t even blush when drinking alcohol.

58.一直对发型不满意的人，有一个共同点：不肯承认这是脸的问题。
58. People who are never satisfied with their hairstyles have one thing in common: they refuse to admit that it’s an issue with their face.

59.永远都不要跟同一个傻子争辩，因为争辩到最后，会分不清谁是傻子。
59. Never argue with the same fool, because in the end, you won’t be able to tell who the fool is.

60.这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
60. In this world, I only trust two people: one is me, and the other is not you.

61.我上了床就和野兽一样，具体来说像考拉，一睡就是18个小时。
61. Once I get into bed, I become like a wild animal, specifically like a koala, sleeping for 18 hours straight.

62.什么是安全感？就是做完题，有学霸和你念出了一样的答案。
62. What is a sense of security? It’s when you finish a question and a top student says the same answer as you.

63.世界上最远的距离不是天涯和海角，而是老师在讲第四章，学霸在自学第八章，而我在看目录！
63. The longest distance in the world is not the ends of the earth, but when the teacher is lecturing on Chapter 4, the top student is self-studying Chapter 8, and I’m just reading the table of contents!

64.冬天，脚在被窝里每伸向一块新地方，都是一场探险。
64. In winter, every time my feet reach a new spot in the blanket, it’s like an adventure.

65.为什么我的眼里常含泪水，因为我他妈困得要死。
65. Why are there always tears in my eyes? Because I’m so damn sleepy.

66.一醉汉不慎从三楼掉下，引来路人围观，一警察过来:发生什么事？醉汉：不清楚，我也是刚到！
66. A drunk man accidentally falls from the third floor, attracting a crowd. A police officer comes over and asks, “What happened?” Drunk man: “No idea, I just got here too!”

67.承诺就像女人说要减肥一样，经常说却很难做到，一切都是假的话。
67. Promises are like women saying they want to lose weight; they often say it but find it hard to do, and everything is just fake.

68.假如我是神笔马良的话，我会画一个井，把你放进去，再画个盖子。
68. If I were Ma Liang with the magic brush, I would draw a well, put you in it, and then draw a lid.

69.所有不想当方丈的神父，一定不是好道长！
69. All priests who don’t want to be abbots are definitely not good Taoist priests!

70.你不拿我当回事，对不起，我也没把你当人看，我告诉你，别把我逼到这份上。
70. If you don’t take me seriously, I’m sorry, but I don’t see you as a human either. I’m telling you, don’t push me to this point.

71.天若有情天亦老，动我兄弟全部放倒！
71. If heaven has feelings, it will grow old too; anyone who messes with my brother will be taken down!

72.你走了，我很痛苦，以后放的屁只有我一个人闻了。
72. You left, and I’m in pain; now I’ll have to smell my own farts alone.

73.别夸我，真的，尤其别夸我帅，我怕我受不了，这辈子都要跟你走。
73. Don’t praise me, really, especially don’t say I’m handsome, or I might not be able to handle it and follow you for the rest of my life.

74.用室友手机搜东西，看见搜索历史中有一条——如何强奸室友？当时脸都吓绿了！
74. I used my roommate’s phone to search for something and saw a search history entry - “How to rape a roommate?” My face turned green with fear!

75.嘴上污的人，一般都是在掩盖内心的正直。
75. People who talk dirty usually cover up their inner righteousness.

76.什么叫成熟，你妈没逼你，你就穿上秋裤了。什么叫青春，你妈逼着你，你还是不穿秋裤。
76. What is maturity? It’s when your mom doesn’t have to force you, and you put on your long johns. What is youth? It’s when your mom forces you, but you still refuse to wear long johns.

77.年轻人不要老想着天上会掉馅饼，要脚踏实地，也许地上会捡到钱呢？
77. Young people shouldn’t always think that the sky will drop pies; be down-to-earth, maybe you’ll find money on the ground.

78.年纪轻轻，体重倒是不轻。余额不多，想买的倒是不少。
78. At a young age, I’m not light in weight. With little balance, I still want to buy a lot.

79.可以触摸的痛苦是什么？就是我觉得肚子都饿扁了，一摸还是有一坨肉。
79. What is tangible pain? It’s when I feel my stomach is completely empty, but when I touch it, there’s still a lump of fat.

80.明天愚人节，老师说要上课，我越想越不得劲，“不行！不能去上课！”
80. Tomorrow is April Fool’s Day, and the teacher said we have to attend class. The more I think about it, the more uneasy I feel, “No way! I can’t go to class!”

81.长大了要嫁给唐僧，能玩就玩，不能玩就把他吃掉。
81. When I grow up, I want to marry Tang Seng, play with him if possible, and eat him if not.

82.暑假前信誓旦旦的说我要减肥，暑假后没瘦还胖了！
82. Before the summer vacation, I vowed to lose weight, but after the vacation, I didn’t lose weight, I gained weight!

83.小时候我很纠结是上清华还是北大、现在看来我多想了。
83. When I was a child, I was torn between going to Tsinghua or Peking University; now it seems I thought too much.

84.听说看武打片能减肥，因为里面经常说，你快受（瘦）死吧！
84. I heard watching martial arts films can help lose weight because they often say, “You’re about to suffer (get thin) and die!”

85.午夜12点准时下线!否则，公主就会变回灰姑娘。
85. Log off at midnight sharp! Otherwise, the princess will turn back into Cinderella.

86.不管多大岁数的人类成员，在钱面前，一概年轻。
86. Regardless of age, human beings are all young in front of money.

87.鸭子太嚣张，兔子太多嘴，我是猪，我很乖。
87. Ducks are too arrogant, rabbits talk too much, I am a pig, and I am well-behaved.

88.日照香芦升子烟，李白来到烤鸭店，口水直流三千尺，一模兜里没有钱。
88. Sunlight rises with the fragrance of reeds, Li Bai arrives at the roast duck shop, his mouth watering for three thousand feet, but he has no money in his pocket.

89.我想当皇帝，怕罗嗦；想当官，怕事多；想吃饭，怕刷锅；真想揍你一顿，怕惹祸。
89. I want to be an emperor, but I’m afraid of nagging; I want to be an official, but I’m afraid of too much work; I want to eat, but I’m afraid of washing dishes; I really want to beat you up, but I’m afraid of causing trouble.

90.男人忽悠女人，叫调戏；女人忽悠男人，叫勾引；男女相互忽悠，叫爱情。
90. Men deceiving women is called teasing; women deceiving men is called seducing; men and women deceiving each other is called love.

91.人生没有彩排，每天都是直播；不仅收视率低，而且工资不高。
91. There is no rehearsal in life, every day is a live broadcast; not only is the viewership low, but the salary is also low.

92.哪里跌倒，哪里爬起。老是在那里跌倒，我怀疑那里有个坑！
92. Get up where you fall. If I always fall there, I suspect there is a pit!

93.我不是广场上算卦的，唠不出那么多你爱听的嗑。
93. I am not a fortune teller in the square, and I can’t chatter so much about what you like to hear.

94.坏人需要实力，败类更需要品位。
94. Bad guys need strength, and the despicable ones need taste.

95.时间是用来流浪的，身躯是用来相爱的，生命是用来遗忘的，而灵魂，是用来歌唱的。
95. Time is for wandering, bodies are for loving, lives are for forgetting, and souls are for singing.

96.种草不让人去躺，不如改种仙人掌！
96. If you don’t allow people to lie down on the grass, it’s better to plant cactus instead!

97.混社会是个体力活儿，讲究四门功课：闪转腾挪。
97. Mixing in society is a physical job, focusing on four skills: dodging, turning, leaping, and moving.

98.每当冲锋号响起，我就赶紧躲进壕沟里，因为：我是卧底！
98. Whenever the charge bugle sounds, I quickly hide in the trench because: I am an undercover agent!

99.就你这个样子，这个年龄，已经跌破发行价了。
99. With your appearance and age, you have already fallen below the issue price.

100.你走你的过街天桥，我过我的地下通道。
100. You take your overpass, and I’ll take my underground passage.

1.我的袜子全是洞，我的未来不是梦。
1. My socks are full of holes, but my future is not a dream.

2.我也曾青春逼人，可惜现在青春没了，就剩这么个逼人了。
2. I used to be a charming young man, but now my youth is gone, leaving only this charming person.

3.我对你的深情无法付诸语言，除了一句“滚一边去”。
3. My deep feelings for you cannot be expressed in words, except for “Go away.”

4.对于姑娘来说：出来混，迟早是要怀的。
4. Fo

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